The Real Secret To Keeping The "Spark" In Your Relationship

Relationships move through stages. When we are first together, we find ourselves infatuated and seeking romance from the other person. But in a long-term relationship, romance looks different over time.

When we enter into relationships, it's generally due to feelings of romance. Our relationships move through stages, the first being infatuation. This is where we tend to be at our most romantic—we minimize the negative characteristics of the other person, and we tend to maximize their good. We put on a good face. We woo. We are wooed. It is during this stage that we usually associate romance. Things are exciting and novel. Even impulsive.

And then, over time the relationship shifts. The romance doesn't last at that intensity forever.

At some point, all couples who choose to move forward in some capacity together face a life stressor. Some of these stressors are positive and exciting: They choose to move in together, get engaged, have a baby, or start a new job. While these might be desired changes, they also add new responsibilities, identities, and conundrums to be solved. At other times, the stressors they face together are not welcomed: There might be a job loss, an illness, a difference that can't be negotiated, or financial stress, to name a few. 

When couples experience their first stressors, they move into a realization phase. They start to see who their partner really is. And they either choose to progress or end the relationship.

Sometimes, this realization moves into tension—a constant power struggle toward getting the other person to think, behave, or desire just as you do. Again, some couples will end their relationship, and others will work through these tensions moving forward into the next stage of their relationship: the acceptance stage.

The downside here is that some couples start to live as "roommates" once they reach the acceptance stage, and they really miss the infatuation stage, yearning for excitement, novelty, and newness again. And, often, they try to re-enter that infatuation stage by doing the types of things that would have been romantic then—only to recognize they don't feel as sustaining now.

While the special dinner might be fun, the next day still feels the same. While the impulsive trip to the beach might be exciting and make for good sex while there, they get home to find that they still aren't having sex here.

When couples are in this place, though, there is good news: They are making these efforts because they want to feel connected. They want to feel a spark. They want to feel alive together, again.

When couples have a united purpose, they get to feel excited and proud together about what they do and accomplish. For example, this might look like having a united purpose in raising children together—my husband and I find so much purpose in raising our son together. And, together, we experience so much intimacy when it comes to planning things for him, being proud of him, and just experiencing the privilege of being a parent.