Why Relationships Require Us To Face Discomfort, From A Couples' Counselor

A strong and thriving relationship requires a special brand of courage.

You're likely to think of needing the courage to face adversity together. You're less likely to think you'll need courage to stay in love with your partner.

But in an instant, your resolve evaporates. These intense reactions are not the result of some deliberative process. You don't pause to think, "Hmm, does their comment make me mad?" You just react. Reaction leads to reaction, and the escalation takes on a life of its own.

You like to think you're a fully rational being and that your behavior is simply a logical response to a current provocation. Right?

Not so fast.

Have you ever wondered why seemingly small annoyances sometimes produce powerful feelings? Or why you immediately go into fight mode or want to run away from the situation as fast as possible?

Conflict is an opportunity. Reacting intensely is your signal to look deeper into the sources of the conflict with your partner. When your reaction seems to be out of proportion to the stimulus, historical demons may be playing a role.

We've all experienced hurt and disappointment in our lives growing up, and these experiences don't just evaporate into thin air as we become adults, as much as we'd like to think they do. When we feel insulted or misunderstood or not listened to in the current time, it's as if we dip back into that pool of difficult feelings we felt way back when. The power of those earlier feelings adds massive fuel to the current fire.

Cue courage. Along with those demons of the past comes significant discomfort. For example, if you felt criticized by your parents, you likely have a well of painful feelings stored away, often including shame or self-doubt. If your partner criticizes you, even in a small way, you react defensively in a split second. Yes, you are trying to deflect the hurt you've just experienced, but you're also protecting yourself from a surge of painful feelings stored away from long ago. It's likely you've spent a lifetime trying to avoid ever feeling these feelings. If there's conflict afoot, you change the subject or become overly accommodating or refuse to engage. All of these strategies undermine the satisfying relationship you've longed for.

Facing the discomfort of these feelings requires courage because you really don't want to re-experience pain. Yet as long as you keep a lid on those uncomfortable feelings, you're going to keep the destructive cycle going. Our emotional system is such that we can't let the good feelings in and keep the bad feelings out. With the lid closed on the bad feelings, our good feelings are muted, and our ability to think rationally and to solve problems is compromised.

In order to feel joy, you have to be open to feeling pain, hurt, and discomfort. This requires you to build a capacity to feel the uncomfortable feelings that you've buried over a lifetime. You build this capacity by intentionally feeling those past feelings of shame, hurt, worthlessness, or self-doubt that surface. There are moments that you can grab them before they slip away, buried in defensive anger or emotional withdrawal. 

In these moments, ask yourself, "What else am I feeling?"

Building your capacity to be in touch with how you're feeling on a deeper level permits you to think clearly and see solutions because you're no longer protecting yourself from your pain. You are no longer designing your life around keeping a lid on discomfort. Options can now occur to you.

This begins the process of disentangling the present from the past. Your partner's ears open when they hear you speak from that place of vulnerability. Both of you can come to understand how your histories are influencing the present. You and your partner can work together to solve whatever is troubling you. The cutting edge of change is always discomfort—a journey well worth the vulnerability you will encounter along the way.