A Full Guide To Throuple Relationships: 15 Rules, Tips & FAQs

A throuple, which is a mix of the words couple and three, is a romantic relationship between three people, in which every person is intimately linked with the other two. Although media representation usually focuses on two bisexual women and one straight man, throuples can consist of any kind of gender constellation. Throuples can be just as committed to one another as couples, despite lacking legal frameworks to recognize their relationships.

A throuple is not quite the same as polyamory or an open relationship, although there is some overlap between the terms. All three terms are subsets of ethical non-monogamy.

Polyamory refers to the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one person, with the informed consent of all people involved. Polyamorous people believe and honor the idea that it's perfectly normal, desirable, and possible to love, be attracted to, and be intimate with more than one person at a time.

An open relationship is a relationship in which a romantically bonded couple (or throuple!) decide to have sex with people outside of their relationship—usually without forming long-lasting emotional bonds or commitment. (Here's how to ask your partner for an open relationship if that's sparking some curiosity.)

"There are no specific 'rules' that all triads follow," Schneider says. Most throuples have their own unique relationship agreements, so it's therefore not possible to give across-the-board examples of how they work. As a unit, the three people must decide what approach they want to take and what dynamics feel good to them in terms of who has sex with whom, where everyone sleeps, how date nights work, and the like.

"A V relationship is one in which one individual is the 'hinge,' where they have two relationships, but their partners are not in a relationship with each other. A visual representation of it is simply the letter 'V,'" explains Schneider.

The way in which the people in a V relationship relate to one another differs from relationship to relationship. "I've seen many configurations of V dynamics in my work, and they all look different. There's a broad spectrum of how closely all parties involved in Vs relate. Sometimes the metamours (people with a shared partner) are dear friends, housemates, and/or co-parents. Sometimes they prefer not to know one another at all," says Dow.

It might be perfectly fine for the throuple members to seek out love or sex outside of the triad. Or it might be counted as cheating for some throuples. It all depends on the mutually agreed-upon rules that govern a particular relationship.

"I've heard people say before that it's best for all three parties in a throuple to sleep together so nobody feels left out. To me any absolute of that nature in regards to how relationships 'should' function is ridiculous," says Anna Dow, LCSW, a therapist who specializes in non-monogamous relationships in her clinical work at Vast Love and who also practices consensual non-monogamy herself. "We humans are each one-of-a-kind creatures. Thus it makes much more sense to structure our relationships around the preferences of the people involved rather than defaulting to any preconceived 'shoulds.' One of my partners is especially sensitive to sensory input and prefers sleeping alone. If he and I were in a triad relationship, he would still prefer to sleep alone."

Just like sleeping arrangements, date nights and quality time for people in triads are usually a mix of activities involving all three members of the relationship and some with just two of them. There are no hard-and-fast rules.

No, not a mythical horse but rumored to be just as hard to find. "A unicorn is an individual, very frequently a heteroflexible or bisexual/pansexual woman, who a couple seeks out to form a triad," says Schneider. "The couples who most frequently go 'unicorn-hunting' are composed of a straight man and a bisexual woman."

A common misconception about polyamorous people is that they don't get jealous. In fact, jealousy is a feeling that pops up for just about everyone at some time or another. One person in a throuple might feel jealous of the other two and the bond they have or the time they spend together, or they may feel jealous of their relationships with other partners outside the triad.

While being in a triad offers an abundance of love and security, it also comes with some unique challenges. Depending on the origins of the throuple, there might be insecurities at play. "A newer member of the triad might feel, at times, very separate from the other two, in that those two's relationship might have originally been just the two of them," Schneider explains. Furthermore, "sometimes the original couple that then forms a triad might not have fully 'worked out' what polyamory means for them."

In these cases, a lack of communication and clarity can have calamitous results for the relationship. With three people's needs in competition with one another, "a triad might start to feel more like a scalene or obtuse triangle rather than the original goal of an equilateral one," warns Schneider.

The problems that throuples face aren't just internal but structural as well. Dow explains: "The main con that comes to mind for me [with triads] is that society is designed for two. People tend to get +1 invitations for weddings, it's expected to only bring one partner to work events, families often aren't welcoming of more than one partner at holidays, marriage is only legal for two, couples resorts cater to dyads, many roller coaster rides only have two seats, and this list could go on for days."

This society-sanctioned dismissal of triads can lead to personal friction. "Because dyadic partnerships are the norm, couples get a good bit of privilege in society. In triads this often leads to the person who entered the relationship last getting excluded in certain contexts like holidays, weddings, or work events," Dow says. "This is especially true if people in the relationship don't feel comfortable coming out as queer or non-monogamous. It can be very painful for people to be in a position of secrecy when their other partners are able to present as a couple to the public and reap the benefits that doing so provides." 

Knowing that a triad is the right fit for you is a little complicated. After all, you never know until you try. Schneider's advice is to start by considering your feelings about ethical non-monogamy in general: "Are you someone who is interested in polyamory, as you have felt drawn to it and find yourself rejecting traditional monogamous values?"

If you've always felt that the status quo leaves you unsatisfied and you're invested in considering your own and others' feelings with a lot of care and deliberation, then a triad might be for you.

"You must also fully accept that traversing uncharted territories tends to be hard work that's full of surprises!" says Dow. Building a triad takes vulnerability and communication; it's not just an excuse to have a threesome. A triad is "one of the most complex poly relationships that exists," says Beth Bloomfield-Fox, LPC. "In a triad there are many relationships happening; person 1 with person 2, person 1 with person 3, person 2 with person 3, etc., and the relationship that exists between all three people together. Being in a relationship with this dynamic requires a significant amount of conversation, patience, and personal responsibility."