The 3 Main Conflict Styles In Relationships + How To Handle Them

In even the most amorous of relationships, conflict happens. It's a part of life, but not all of us handle conflict the same way.

Rather, according to psychologists John Gottman, Ph.D., and Julie Gottman, Ph.D., leading relationship experts, founders of the Gottman Institute, and authors of Fight Right, most of us will have conflict styles that fall into one of three categories: avoiding, validating, or volatile.

First up, we have avoiding couples. These are the couples who "agree to disagree," according to the Gottmans. "They may say what their position is on an issue—but they don't try to persuade the other person that they are right and the other is wrong," Julie explains.

Instead, these are the couples who say, "'OK, we have a difference, let's move on.' They don't try to fight or even just discuss in great length why their position is true for them," Julie says.

Next up, we have validators, which the Gottmans say are the people who may disagree, but they talk through their own position and listen to their partner, as well.

And finally, the third group are called volatile couples. "And volatile couples are the really passionate, intense couples who will argue for their point of view, who will get very emotional at times—who may even get flooded physiologically, meaning they'll go into fight-or-flight—and they'll escalate the quarrel to the ceiling sometimes," Julie tells mindbodygreen.

So, whether you're avoiding, validating, or volatile, how do you navigate conflict in a partnership? According to John, it's important to remember first that conflict isn't necessarily a bad thing, so long as you have a ratio of five positive experiences in your relationship for every one instance of negativity or conflict.

With that said, the Gottmans do note that couples tend to run into trouble when one person is volatile and the other is avoiding. As you might imagine, this can create an intense push-pull cycle where the volatile partner won't let something go, while the avoiding partner pulls away even more.

"The volatile person is really wanting to get to the solution and they're pursuing the other person to talk about the issue more and more and more, when the other person really wants to avoid talking about it," Julie says, referring to this dynamic as a "pursuer-distancer conversation."

On the other hand, avoidant-validating couples do "quite well," according to the Gottmans. It's easier for the avoiding partner to be open and receptive to the validator, they explain, because the avoiding partner won't feel overwhelmed by the validator's calmer, more rational approach.

If that sounds familiar, here's what to do, according to the Gottmans: The volatile person must realize that when their emotions are at a high peak, their partner is likely not going to respond well.

"By [bringing down] the intensity a little bit to more evenly match the level of emotion of the validator, they're on more of an equal playing field, and they really can listen to each other—as opposed to pushing each other around emotionally," Julie explains.