Why Marriage Separation Can Be A Good Thing & 6 Rules To Follow

Separation is a sensitive issue, and while it's a process that creates distance, it is one that will take patience, understanding, and communication. 

Robinson-Brown says a separation can even be good for a marriage "if people have similar goals while separated and are either actually doing things to work on the marriage and repair whatever ruptures have occurred or working to divorce amicably." 

There are several steps one can take to make a period of separation healthy and effective: 

Here are a few things Robinson-Brown thinks guidelines should cover:

People are going to talk. It's inevitable, but by acknowledging that fact, you're able to reposition what's important to you and your partner: your relationship. "If you're trying to make decisions based on external factors, you'll most likely never be content or happy with your own lives," warns Wang. "You and our spouse's overall well-being is not about pleasing others who are not in the middle of this process themselves. 

Does religion play a part in your marriage? Are there cultural limitations or rules related to ending a marriage? Are there health issues, benefits, and insurance plans to consider? Once you're married, there is so much more to consider than just two people, reminds Wang. It's everything that was brought into a marriage and created during it. Consider your unique situation and move accordingly. 

Everyone's timeline is different, and some people may need more time than others. "To force reconciliation or reunification before the necessary work has been done is setting a couple up for either further separation or divorce," Robinson-Brown emphasizes. What she recommends is identifying a time frame and then checking in around that time to see how things are going.

You'll know when you know. If a separation is working in favor of reconciliation, Robinson-Brown says signs will include improved communication, decrease in conflict, an openness to making adjustments to improve a marriage, and a willingness from both parties to engage in couples therapy—if warranted. On the other hand, signs that a marriage is headed for divorce usually include ongoing or escalating conflict, struggling to rebuild trust, struggling to view your partner in a positive light, and an unwillingness to work on the issues that led to the separation. 

In many ways, a separation is a loss and thus should at least partially involve a grieving process. As Wang points out, it's a loss of dreams for the future, a steady life, friends, family members, and financial stability. But more so, it's a loss of trust, "of losing hope and a sense of direction in life." Allowing yourself the space to mourn your losses and treating yourself with kindness will be crucial to your healing process.