How To Deal With The Silent Treatment & Why It's So Harmful

Whether someone is giving you the silent treatment or you keep finding yourself doing it to others, the truth is, it's almost never a healthy communication pattern.

The silent treatment encompasses any number of behaviors that involve intentionally ignoring and/or not speaking to someone. This can look like a lot of different things, but you can likely imagine a few examples—someone straight up ignores something you've said, texts go unanswered, you're being stonewalled, or something similar.

As relationship therapist Ken Page, LCSW, explains to mbg, the silent treatment spectrum can range from a complete lack of contact to subtler behaviors like ignoring someone's bids for attention. You could even consider ghosting a form of the silent treatment, according to licensed therapist De-Andrea Blaylock-Solar, MSW, LCSW-S, CST.

If you're wondering what kind of person uses the silent treatment, there's really no black-and-white answer because so many people will lean on this behavior for a variety of reasons.

For example, as both Blaylock-Solar and Page explain, someone who grew up feeling like their needs were ignored or unimportant may grow up to have a hard time expressing themselves. "It may be challenging for them as adults to share—or even feel they have the right to share—their thoughts or feelings, and so they keep them to themselves and shut down," Blaylock-Solar explains.

Additionally, she notes, some people have delayed processing disorders at play that simply make it difficult to gather themselves or respond quickly, and so they go silent. Or, in the face of conflict (processing disorder or not), sometimes people "may need to collect their thoughts and figure out how do they feel about a situation," before responding, she explains—and this can certainly be interpreted as the silent treatment to the person on the receiving end.

To the person on the receiving end of the silent treatment, the effects can absolutely be hurtful and even detrimental to the relationship, depending on how severe the treatment.

Page cites research called the "still-face experiment1," for example, in which mothers gave toddlers emotionless reactions and silence for an extended period of time. In this experiment, he says, the babies make constant bids for connection. They try, it doesn't work, and the babies freak out and start crying. And eventually, they withdraw and pull into themselves.

"If you want to understand the effects of the deep silence, that's kind of what we create with it," Page explains, adding that there's a reason solitary confinement is considered the worst punishment in prison.

In relationships between adults, he says, no matter the reason behind the behavior, the person on the receiving end is going to feel dejected, isolated, angry, and/or confused. "Extreme silent treatment is unequivocally a form of abuse," he says, noting that even subtler forms can still be harmful to the relationship.

And for what it's worth, Page adds, couples who have a "low threshold for allowing conflict" (aka they would rather talk things out than let things fester) are actually happier in their relationships than couples with a higher threshold for conflict (aka they "let things go" and ignore problems).

The first step to dealing with receiving the silent treatment from someone is to face it head-on and start a conversation. In the case of missed bids, for example, Page notes you could also say something like, "I'm feeling down because I just said something really important to me, and you kind of missed it or didn't seem like you cared."

And according to Blaylock-Solar, if the silent treatment has been persistent, you could also say things like, "I've noticed the air between us is a little different," or "I'm wondering if you're having some thoughts you're having a hard time expressing to me."

From there, the ball is really in the other person's court in terms of how they move forward. Ideally, they'll hear your concerns and try to avoid giving you the silent treatment in the future, but as Page notes, this can be a process.

Now, if you're the one giving the silent treatment, and you're ready to turn a new, more communicative leaf, the good news is you can change this behavior for the better.

According to Blaylock-Solar, if you're someone who has a hard time in conflict and winds up shutting down, you can have a script of sorts ready. Think something along the lines of, "I'm having some thoughts, but I'm not exactly sure how to share them, or even how to feel right now. I'm not shutting you out—just give me some time."

In this way, she adds, you're letting the other person know you just need time and space to process at your own speed. "That, along with planning a time to come back together to discuss further, can help the relationship in the long run," she notes.

And as Page adds, it's important to keep in mind the way our behavior affects our relationships, romantic or otherwise. "It's so much easier to be tough and just kind of torture someone with the silent treatment—but stepping into your vulnerability and sharing it is actually a brave intimacy tool," he explains.