How To Tell The Difference Between Sexual Attraction & Romantic Attraction, According To Experts

Attraction is on a spectrum. There are different kinds and degrees: You can be attracted to how someone looks or how their mind works; it can be purely physical or deliciously passionate.

Sexual attraction is purely physical, based on aesthetics, and is rooted in arousal. It occurs when seeing or imagining a person generates feelings of lust and physical closeness.

While sexual attraction can be thrilling, arousal can also bring up a host of complicated emotions. According to sex and relationship coach Aaron Frazin, this is common in people who have a history of rejection and can cause that person to move away from their desires rather than pursue them.

If sexual attraction is the desire to close a physical gap between two people, Frazin defines romantic attraction as the yearning for emotional closeness between two people, akin to the security between best friends.

While sexual attraction and romantic attraction can overlap, they are not one and the same. You can be sexually attracted to someone but not romantically attracted to them and vice versa.

The main difference between the two is the part of you that is being attracted. 

Sexual attraction often goes hand-in-hand with romantic attraction. This kind of physical intimacy can heighten a romantic relationship and contribute to the couple's overall satisfaction by deepening their connection.

That said, it is possible to be romantically attracted to someone but be missing that sexual component. In this case, Nurick strongly encourages individuals in a romantic relationship to explore what might be blocking the sexual attraction. 

Similar to how a thumb is a finger but not all fingers are thumbs, sex can be a part of love, but not all sexual partners are in love. For sexual attraction to become love, there has to be an intimate understanding of the other person on an emotional level. 

"Sex can be a powerful part of cultivating love and a forum for play, euphoria, and deep connection," Nurick says. It can be a building block in the foundation of a strong relationship, but a physical connection should not be confused with an emotional connection, especially in the early stages of sexual attraction.

To make sure you don't confuse the two, Santos stresses the importance of analysis—being realistic about what you're looking for from the other person and how your attraction manifests.

Different types of attraction yield different signs of attraction. Ask yourself, are you emotionally attracted to this person, or are you solely looking for physical satisfaction? 

"If, over time, you want to spend more time with this person, it may be love," Santos says. "If you only want to spend time momentarily when you feel sexual desire, it may be just sexual attraction." 

It's also important to note that having a strong sense of emotional awareness is key here. Romantic attraction is an emotional attraction; it's based on the connection and compatibility you have with a person on an emotional level. If you are romantically attracted to a person, Frazin clarifies, you feel a sense of safety and closeness.

Attraction is something that can grow, fluctuate, disappear, or change as relationships change or an individual's tastes and sexuality evolve. While more studies need to be done on the psychology behind attraction, what researchers have learned thus far is that attraction is largely subjective and highly personal; it is largely a reflection of what you desire, and said desire can be rooted in a myriad of things. 

For example, relationship coach and AASECT-certified sex educator Suzannah Weis tells mindbodygreen that, oftentimes, a person's attraction patterns reflect childhood wounds1.

"If you had a parent who was emotionally unavailable to you, you may be attracted (romantically or sexually) to lovers who are distant," Weis explains. This can lead to a domino effect of toxic relationships, which is why Weis stresses the importance of speaking to a professional to help identify and put a stop to these potentially harmful patterns. 

Conversely, Frazin says that attraction can be rooted in another kind of desire: to acquire character traits we ourselves do not possess. "Studying who you want to seduce can reveal traits you're trying to 'consume' externally that you want for yourself internally," Frazin explains.

However, being with someone who has a trait you want (think strength, confidence, intelligence, etc.) won't fill the hole you're internally grappling with. "Ask yourself what difficult feeling are you trying to avoid by dating this person? The healing happens when you paradoxically give yourself permission to feel that feeling and still love yourself," Frazin adds.

Of course, these are just two examples of the many factors that can contribute to what attracts one person to another. In a 2021 study published in the journal PLOS ONE2, researchers surveyed over 7,000 individuals between the ages of 18 and 65 years old on what traits they prioritize in a sexual partner.

There are different kinds of attraction. Some, like sexual attraction and romantic attraction, can feel similar and confuse the relationship.