3 Reasons Why It's Totally OK To Not Want Kids

For years I thought that deciding not to have kids would mean a bunch of awful things about myself. I told myself that I should want to have kids, and if I didn’t have them, then I’d be less of a woman. I’d be missing out. I wouldn’t fit in. And all of that would mean something was wrong with me.

Now I see that it was all a story I was telling myself. A completely optional story. It’s all subjective. Case in point: I’ve coached women who believed stories similar to the ones I used to tell myself, and yet there are plenty of women who told themselves very different stories about their motherhood decision, as illustrated in Meghan Daum’s anthology Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids.

At the end of the day, we can find evidence to support any story we tell. So why not look for evidence to support beautiful stories about our lives? Stories that help us become the best versions of ourselves? Because as research professor Dr. Brené Brown says, "The most dangerous stories we make up are the narratives that diminish our inherent worthiness."

When’s the last time you tried to make someone happy? We’re a funny bunch, we humans, thinking we can control other people’s feelings. Because even though it’s common to want to make people happy, the reality is we can’t make someone feel a certain way. Sure, we can do what they want us to do and maybe make it easier for them to feel happy, but any happiness they then feel is because of their own thoughts and their own stories. Many of you know this firsthand: Even when you do something to make someone else happy, chances are it works for a moment and then they revert back to the same old problems that bothered them in the first place.

Let’s say you decide not to have kids, yet you hang on to the story that not wanting kids means something’s wrong with you. You’re probably going to feel pretty crappy about your decision, right? But the great news is you can survive shame. You can survive sadness. You can survive regret and fear and any other emotion. And not only that, but you can learn to process any emotion in an efficient way—a way that promotes healing and limits the pain you continue to cause yourself.

So, as you sit in your indecision, know that everything is OK. When you’re ready, you can land on your feet with confidence, love, and some serious self-compassion—regardless of what you choose.