A Psychotherapist On What To Do When Partners Have Different Parenting Styles 

As a couples therapist and a partnered mother of three children, I witness and have experienced what it feels like when you and your partner might have the same goals—to raise vibrant, mindful, connected children, perhaps—but have very different ideas of how to get there.

So much informs how we define the “right” way to parent: our personal upbringing, our cultural values or belief systems, and our social identities. Disagreeing about parenting interventions is quite common, as research shows that many parents report having different parenting styles.

The best relationships aren’t the ones that have the most in common but rather the ones that negotiate those differences with respect and integrity. 

I witness disagreeing parents trying to “convince” their partners to see their side or get on board. The way that human nature works is if one person in the disagreement holds fast to one position, the other person often takes the opposite position (regardless of what they believe) as a reactive response.

Change the goal from “getting on the same page” to communicating about the different pages you and your partner are on. This will create less opportunity for conflict and judgment and more room for curiosity.

Take the emphasis off the content of the fight or choose the parenting intervention and refocus it on how that position came to be. Each of our beliefs, though they feel innate, formed because of something we witnessed, experienced or learned.

Set up time (not when you’re in the heat of the argument) to get to know more about why your partner wants to parent the way they do, and share your “why” as well. 

By "top 3" I mean the 3 most important things you want your kid to leave your house knowing or being after 18 years under your guidance.

There are so many different lessons we can teach our kids, but there are only a few that might be essential to how we want to raise them.

With your partner, come up with a list of 3-4 of the most important things you want your kids to have learned from you. And then, create a map, highlighting the way you and your partner can uniquely contribute to making this happen.

For example, “We want our child to be a respectful person, and the way we believe this can happen is by emphasizing kindness toward each other (parent 1’s contribution) and removing him from the room to explain why throwing a ball is unacceptable (parent 2’s contribution)."

If your co-parent does or says something you don’t like (unless it threatens safety), it is more harmful to intervene in front of the children as it portrays division in the parenting department and may set up a “good cop/bad cop” dynamic.

Wait until you don’t feel activated to share how it made you feel or what you did not like, instead of criticizing or judging.

Judgment makes people defensive, as they feel the need to protect themselves, so the more you can focus on your feelings, using “I” statements, without undermining your partner’s, the more likely you’ll be able to find common ground. 

Research shows that regardless of what parenting style you and your partner choose from, the key is consistency. Children respond positively when they know what is coming next.

For example, “if I yell at the dinner table, each time I do that my parents take me to my room and sit there with me” or “each time I do this, my parents engage in a discussion about why this is unacceptable for me at the table.”

Switching the emphasis on wanting to parent the “same” to respectfully exploring the reasons why each parent holds their position, creates new pathways for collaboration and change. Modeling different approaches can be a positive thing for children to see, as long as it's coupled with curiosity about each approach and respectful discussion, eliciting all members of the family’s feelings.