Fantasy Bonds: The Problem With Loving Someone For Their 'Potential'

Fantasy bonds are, in essence, when you bond and attach to someone based on who you believe they can be or will be or what you believe they can or will be able to give you in the future. This is not the same as wanting to grow old with someone and feeling excited to see their development through life's journey. This is agreeing to poor behavior, disappointment, and unmet needs because you hope one day the person will magically change and provide better for you.

But intimacy, maturity, and care will not magically appear when something else happens. Intimacy must be nurtured.

People might wonder, Does this mean I can't be hopeful about change in my relationship? Absolutely not. It's good to be hopeful. Things will and can change if both people are willing to take ownership of the challenges that they're facing and work together to create a healthy relationship.

The issue here is that you're not in touch with the current reality of who your partner is and instead are creating an imagined version of what they might be, which is often very different from what they are presenting to you in the present. There's often no guarantee that this imagined person will ever actually manifest in real life—so in essence, you're connecting with a fantasy.

When you have a fantasy bond with someone, you often are in a dysfunctional relationship that in some ways mimics the dysfunction you experienced as a child.

As children, we must bond to our caregivers. If we have unpredictable, neglectful, aloof, or abusive parents, this can be challenging. If we believe that it is our fault that our caregiver is not meeting our needs, then the world can become a very scary place. We wonder, who will keep us safe if not our caregiver?

Instead, we build defenses. These defenses take us out of reality to keep us psychologically safe and instead take us into fantasy. We might blame ourselves for the adult's behavior. Or we might begin to fantasize about who they could be: "Once my mom isn't stressed anymore, she will stop drinking so much." Or, "My dad said as soon as his contract with his job is over, he'll be able to come by and see me. I know we will have so much fun then!"

If we don't become conscious of our pattern of "imagining" who someone could be to maintain unhealthy relationships, then we are likely to get into a cycle of disappointment or harmful relationships. In order to move past fantasy bonds, you must be willing to work through your own defenses, see the person for who they are, and engage with them in that authentic space.

We must face who we are, and we must face who our partner is. We must face these things as they are in this very moment and ask ourselves, "What can I do with what is being offered to me right now?" If we find that the person is still lovable as they are (flaws and all), then we can create true intimacy. But if not, then the connection is only maintained through the fantasy.