What Is Platonic Friendship? The Benefits & Boundaries

A platonic friendship is a meaningful relationship between two or more people without any sexual or romantic feelings or behavior involved. As couples' and sex therapist Kyle Zrenchik, Ph.D., ACS, LMFT, explains, platonic friendships have "the sole purpose of enjoying each other's company."

The word platonic references the Greek philosopher Plato, who theorized at length about the different ways that people could love each other and seek truth. Over time his name came to be associated with nonromantic, nonsexual relationships, particularly those involving a deep and special bond. Common platonic relationships include those between a parent and child, a mentor and student, professional collaborators, or a group of neighbors.

"Most friendships are platonic," Zrenchik adds, though many find the term particularly useful when talking about friendships between two people who could theoretically be attracted to each other—for example, a straight man and a straight woman. "Platonic friendships are platonic because both people desire the relationship to be without sexual or romantic experiences," he explains.

In comparison, non-platonic friendships might include friends with benefits situations, friendships with exes where feelings might still be lingering, or situations where one person feels "friend zoned" and is angling for something more.

Platonic friendships give your life a steady scaffolding to organize your life around. With friends, you can share interests and hobbies, weather the ups and downs of life together, and develop a special syntax of understanding. "Platonic friendship allows for feeling connected, discussing ideas, and feeling witnessed in general in life," says certified sex therapist Heather Shannon, LCPC, CST.

Platonic friendships offer you places to be "seen, witnessed, and heard," explains Sylla. That is, your friends give you the opportunity to share yourself with someone who understands and supports you, which is invaluable for your self-esteem and well-being. "Platonic friendships/relationships offer you the opportunity to grow, love, and offer care for yourself and others," they explain.

Conventional "wisdom" holds that straight men and women can't be friends with each other, but Shannon stresses that that's a big myth. These relationships are not just possible but can be extremely beneficial for both parties, she notes. 

When we look out for our friends and they for us, we get to experience a kind of care and concern outside the borders of biological family or the expectations of romance. This can be incredibly freeing.

"We often try to get all our needs met by one person who is our sexual, romantic, and emotional life partner. It's too much to expect from one relationship," says Shannon. "The more we can be surrounded by a community of friends and get our 'love cup' filled up, the better we feel, the longer we live, and the more realistic we can be in our sexual relationships if we have them."

The boundaries in a platonic friendship will often vary between different friends. "Boundaries are flexible and evolving. They are guidelines, not rules," says Sylla. So, it's all about finding what's right for you.

When it comes to physical touch, your mileage may vary on whether this is OK in a platonic friendship. Some people are super tactile with their friends, whereas others aren't. According to Shannon, it's most common for friends to be comfortable with hugging and some friendly touch but not kissing on the lips or other more intimate acts.

That said, it's certainly possible to hold hands with and cuddle your platonic friends, and some platonic friends may even occasionally kiss. "I know people who can approach sex in a platonic way," says Shannon. "They can enjoy someone's company and enjoy the physical act of sex without developing romantic feelings or expectations. Not everyone is wired this way or wants this, but it is possible."

"This varies greatly! You might have a platonic friend who you do trivia night with once a month as part of a group outing. And you might have a platonic friend who you move in with and raise your children together," says Shannon. The latter is sometimes referred to as platonic life partners, platonic soul mates, or a queerplatonic relationship (more on that below).

Each person and each relationship is unique. The key is making sure that you and your friend are both comfortable with the level of emotional intimacy that you have, and that you feel able to discuss your needs and wants if any issues arise.

Falling in love with a friend is definitely possible, confirms Sylla. Of course, this isn't what will happen for most people and their friends, but it's certainly not unheard of for people who started out as platonic friends to realize they've fallen in love. If we have a lot in common with someone, spend pleasurable time with them, and think they're cool enough to be friends with, then sexual and romantic attraction can totally blossom from there.

Platonic crushes are the best. You know that feeling when you meet someone great at work or yoga or the dog park and you just feel compelled to talk to them and hang out more, even though you don't want to sleep with them? That's a platonic crush!

Keeping a friendship strictly platonic involves communication, just like any other relationship. "It's important to know what you want, know what you don't want, and communicate that," states Zrenchik. A good friend should be willing to listen and accommodate, and they won't make you feel guilty for it.

And after stating your preferences, it is important that you also follow your own requests, explains Zrenchik. "For example, if you are a woman and you tell your male friend that you feel uncomfortable with him calling you 'babe,' but then you call him 'honey,' that will send mixed messages, and it will be more difficult for each person not to violate the established boundaries."

Asexual people are people who have little to no desire to engage in sex. As such, platonic relationships can play a significant role in their lives.

"Some asexual people have romantic partners, and some still engage in sexual activities. However, there is an overall de-emphasizing of sex and a greater emphasis on emotional intimacy," explains Shannon.

Even for those who don't identify as asexual, this focus on emotional intimacy can be beneficial, she says, adding, "I believe we overemphasize sexual relationships and underemphasize platonic ones."