What Is Negging? How To Recognize This Form Of Emotional Manipulation

Ever interacted with someone who seemed to be expressing interest in you...by making fun of you? This confusing behavior is known as negging, and oddly, it's often used as a form of flirting.

Negging is a form of emotional manipulation that is carried out through "backhanded compliments and insults disguised as constructive criticism," says licensed mental health counselor Amanda Levison, M.S., LMHC, LPC, CCBT. Negging is deployed by people who wish to undermine, belittle, and control the people around them, with the intention to make the person begin to overly desire and depend on the negger's approval for self-esteem. Over time, negging can be extremely destructive and dangerous to the person on the receiving end.

The term negging first showed up in the world of "pickup artists," men who prey on women and seek to break them down in order to have sex with them. Over time, negging has come to be coupled more generally with any kind of relationship that is built on one party trying to undermine the other for their own gain. It's important to acknowledge that while negging is most commonly seen in the context of romantic relationships, it can also show up in friendships, work relationships, and families.

Negging is most often born out of toxic masculinity. Men who neg women often operate under the assumption that women are not worthy of respect, seeing them instead as objects to be manipulated for their own gain. The pickup artist "community" encourages men to be ruthless in asserting themselves over women and assures them that they "deserve" sexual success with women. It's misogyny at its most naked.

Absolutely not. Negging as a flirting technique can never lead to healthy sexual or romantic attachments. "If your goal is to connect to others successfully, then criticism is a poor communication strategy," says licensed therapist Adam D. Blum, MFT of the Gay Therapy Centre. Any kind of manipulation is not a solid foundation on which to build intimacy.

Emotionally abusing someone into sleeping with you is not only immoral, but it often actually has the opposite effect of making people not want to be around you.

When you're being negged, you might feel very unsure of yourself. Therefore, it is great to know in advance some ways that you can respond if you realize you're being negged.

The simplest response is to ignore them and stop interacting with them, suggests de la Rosa. Wasting energy on trying to engage with someone who cannot respect you can be extremely draining.

If you feel that you're able to, "you can directly confront the person and tell them you do not like the way they are talking to you," he says. However, be aware that the person may then respond to your confrontation with more abusive behaviors, such as gaslighting. Additionally, de la Rosa emphasizes that it is never your responsibility to change a person's abusive behavior, but you can absolutely make it clear to them that what they're doing is not OK.

As we've already established, negging is a harmful, abusive, and unsuccessful flirting technique. In order to flirt in a healthy way, professional counselor William Schroeder, LPC, NCC, suggests being as genuine as possible when showing interest in someone.

"If you meet someone you think is cute, go say hello and be direct about it. Say that you think they are cute and that you would like to take them on a date," he says.

Engaging with people about their interests is always a surefire hit, as people are generally more comfortable when the focus is not directly on them at first. "I met my wife at a wedding almost 10 years ago now. I noticed she was playing a game, and I stepped up to compete against her, and she was a fierce competitor. I asked what her name was and if she would like to go on a date with me some time," Schroeder shares. "Ten years later, here we are!"

Negging is harmful and insidious, and if you're worried that you're in a toxic relationship with someone who puts you down, puts themself first, and disregards your emotions, then know that you're better off without them. If you are worried for your safety, then there are resources available to you to help you leave. (Here's our in-depth guide on how to leave an abusive relationship.)

The best practice for relationships is always open, honest, and clear communication, in which all parties are genuine and vulnerable with each other.