9 Subtle Signs Your Boyfriend Is Cheating On You, From Experts

If you're reading this article, it's likely you're suspicious about your boyfriend's loyalty in the relationship. Call it a gut instinct or a nagging feeling that you can't quite shake—but whatever it is, something feels off. And you want to get to the bottom of it. 

When it comes to matters of the heart, words can be clumsy at describing the felt experience. The same goes for infidelity: It's impossible to compile a list that will perfectly and accurately tell you if your partner is cheating on you. As licensed clinical professional counselor Jamila Jones, LCPC, tells mbg, there is no foolproof way to know your partner is cheating besides having an open and honest conversation about the unease and uncertainty you're experiencing.

For what it's worth, if you're not ready to open up the conversation because you want to feel sure before you say anything, Jones says the next best thing to "know if your partner is cheating is being aware of potential signs that could signify a lack of commitment on their part. Trust your instincts; usually when something doesn't feel right, it simply isn't." 

There are red flags you can spot in your boyfriend's behavior, and according to Jones, one of the biggest early signs of cheating can be found in his technological habits. "Look for sudden changes in behavior such as unexpected late-night phone calls, secretive text messages, or observe if they are suddenly glued to their phones even when you're in the same room," Jones says. Other examples are hiding you on his social media by archiving posts or curating a social media presence where he appears single. 

As Sanders puts it, "The biggest sign that someone is cheating on you is if they find every single little reason to accuse you of cheating, especially if you really haven't cheated or overstepped any relationship boundaries."

The car seat on the passenger side is farther up than you're used to. He usually invites you out to hang with his work friends, but now he wants alone time. There are mysterious charges on his credit card or Venmo account taking place on the nights you don't hang out. He's dressing differently, arriving to dates late, giving you random gifts out of the blue, disappearing randomly, hard to reach on a work trip, unusually quiet without a reason, or trying out new sex moves in the bedroom.

A person who is cheating on you may start to pick fights: "They seem to be starting arguments and making empty threats to break up," Sanders says.

There was a time in your relationship when you couldn't get enough of each other. You felt extremely wanted and attractive to your partner. The passionate making out and sex was at an all-time high. Although all relationships experience a natural ebb and flow with intimacy, this new shift may be worth examining if the changes aren't accompanied by compassion but detachment. 

This type of emotional unavailability could look like he's no longer sharing his location, he's texting less, or he's not as interested in the details of your life. Long conversations about your day may have dwindled down to the bare essentials, just enough to keep your connection going but not enough to make it thrive. You go on dates together, and you feel a loss of connection as you both go through the motions. 

A 2017 research study1 found hostility is a surefire way to create distance and dysfunction in a relationship. If he's criticizing incessantly, he could be struggling with that stressful project at work, or—taken to its extreme—he could be feeling guilty about their indiscretion.

He might also nitpick some of your behaviors he was fine with before as a way to subconsciously justify why he is stepping out of the relationship to have someone else meet his needs.

Perhaps there was a time in your relationship when they would have dropped anything to be with you. Now, they almost seem uninterested in your life and more involved in their routine and schedule. When you ask them out to hang with your friends or see your family, they may shrug you off as they prioritize their own life, friendships, and career. Their attitude has changed, and it's impacting the relationship. You feel like they're too busy for you, which may leave you feeling needy and insecure. 

It could be a positive sign that your boyfriend is nurturing an interdependent life within the relationship, but be wary if they're leaning into their own thing without including you in the conversation. If they're making room for their own life, work, friends, self-care rituals, goals, and new hobbies without you, the decreased desire for connection may be a sign of infidelity and that someone else may be in the picture. 

Beyond tangible evidence, you just can't shrug the feeling away. If this is persistent, Sanders notes this could be your gut instinct telling you something. Growing research3 suggests your gut feelings should not be prematurely dismissed. In fact, your brain may be weaving together past experiences along with present cues in the environment to intuitively aid your cognitive processing and decision-making.

If you believe your boyfriend is cheating, this will be a painful and earth-shattering process to unearth the truth. Because of the potential pain it can bring, Sanders advises to conduct yourself in a way that matches how you feel. "Don't suppress your feelings; that will just cause you pain later on. If they ask what's wrong and you're not ready to talk about it, then say that you're not ready."

During this time, center your emotions as you take your time while you are figuring out the next step. Journal, talk about it with trusted friends who can listen to your emotions without judgment or the need for action, and lean on your self-care practices. Don't skip out on this step—it's crucial for your well-being.

To confirm your hunch, you might feel the urge to go through their phone, DMs, or read their emails, but Sanders recommends not invading their privacy. "You're either going to find something you don't like, or you're going to find a reason later on to be suspicious again," she says. Trust is sacred, and if you snoop without their permission, that means the trust is already broken. 

"When feeling concerned about cheating in your relationship, it's important to have the hard conversations," Jones says. "While conversations surrounding cheating may not be easy to approach, it will undoubtedly provide clarity on the situation at hand so that you can decide how to move forward with confidence and certainty."

Don't worry about doing it perfectly. All you have to worry about is honoring yourself and making sure you're advocating for your needs. A confrontation is the only approach that will confirm what's going on. When you're ready, be sure to bring up any evidence you've gathered and bring up how you need to hear the truth—no matter how much it may hurt. Having a mutual, reciprocal relationship is what you deserve. 

During the conversation, you can say, "I'm noticing some things that are making it hard for me to trust you. I'm feeling insecure and afraid you might be cheating on me. I would like to open the floor for an honest conversation to see what's really going on so I can feel safe again in the relationship. Would you be open to talking to me?" 

If you had the conversation with your boyfriend and found out he wasn't being unfaithful, this might be the opportunity to look inward. If he wasn't cheating, that doesn't mean that everything is magically better and that your emotional state will go back to normal. Your concern about this indicates there are issues in the relationship that need to be addressed, which could be attributed to their distant or changing behavior or one of your insecurities. 

"If you've already done all the digging possible and you find absolutely nothing to indicate that your partner is cheating but can't shake the idea that they are, it may be something that you need to work on on your own," Sanders says. 

If you think your boyfriend is physically or emotionally cheating, the feeling can be difficult to pinpoint. The erosion of trust can happen slowly and imperceptibly until one day, you look up and realize your partner has become a stranger. Instead of fervent closeness, there's now an ocean of distance and unsaid emotions in between.