What It Means To Be Insecure In A Relationship

Being insecure in a relationship means you don't feel confident in the relationship and fear that the relationship is at risk in some way, typically because you doubt the other person's feelings for you or their commitment to the relationship.

"When we are in a secure relationship, we feel solid—as if the relationship is a strong, safe island filled with love," explains clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D. "When we feel insecure in a relationship, we feel unstable—as if the relationship is built on shaky ground or, even worse, quicksand."

It's common for people to feel insecure in relationships at times, especially at the beginning when the relationship is still new and feelings still uncertain. But continued insecurities, left unaddressed, often begin to weigh on both partners.

Another common sign of insecurity in a relationship is when one person always goes along with what the other person says or wants, obscuring their own needs and preferences to appease their partner.

Someone who is insecure in relationships may also respond to that fear of rejection by avoiding close relationships altogether. As Manly explains, "Insecurity can also manifest as emotional distance; a partner who is insecure may pull back to avoid being hurt."

"People who are insecure can be very controlling," licensed mental health counselor Rachna Buxani-Mirpuri, LMHC, previously told mbg.

Controlling behavior might look like calling all the shots about what the couple does or doesn't do, disrespecting the partner's privacy and boundaries, constantly texting and trying to check in when they're apart to find out what the partner is doing, or using guilt-tripping to try to get the partner to do something.

Insecure people frequently misinterpret what their partners say or do, says Johnston. They're always seeing their behavior through the lens of anticipated rejection, assuming that every action means their partner is upset with them or losing interest.

Notably, even though we often talk of "insecure people," being insecure is not a personality trait—it's a feeling. This distinction is important, according to licensed clinical psychologist Avigail Lev, Psy.D.

"If our mind confuses insecurity for a character trait, then every time the feeling of insecurity gets triggered for us, we will assume that something is wrong with us," she previously told mbg. "If we view insecurity as a feeling state that gets triggered for everyone, then we have more compassion with it and kindness toward it."

There are many different things that can make someone insecure in a relationship, but the most common contributing factors are past experiences of rejection or abandonment (whether from childhood or previous relationships), personal insecurities seeping into the relationship, or legitimate issues within the current relationship.

"Many people struggle with insecurity in their relationships due to unresolved childhood issues," says Manly. Our way of approaching relationships as adults, known as our attachment style, mirrors the dynamics of our childhood. If our parents were unavailable or inattentive when we were kids, we grow up learning that our connections with others are inherently tenuous and uncertain. "When a secure attachment doesn't form in childhood, one of the insecure attachment styles takes hold," she says.

If you're dating someone who you suspect is feeling insecure in the relationship, Manly recommends trying to figure out exactly where those issues are coming from. Are they stemming from their own personal insecurities? Or is your partner insecure because you're behaving in ways that make them question your feelings?

"In some cases, a combination of unresolved issues and a partner's poor behavior work in combination to feed insecurity," Manly notes.

Gently open up a conversation with your partner about what's going on for them, where their feelings of insecurity are coming from, and what specific behaviors of yours may be making them insecure. Go in with curiosity and warmth so they know they can safely open up to you about these vulnerabilities without fear of judgment or rejection.

You may find there are behaviors of yours that are triggers for your partner, which you can eliminate, adjust, or offer care for your partner to help them cope with the discomfort when it comes up.

As well, remember that although you might feel like you're being clear about how much you love and care about your partner, their insecurities make it hard for them to truly internalize your reassurances. Be patient and compassionate with them as they work to build a more secure attachment to you. Keep validating them and demonstrating that they can trust you by being consistent, keeping your word, and being attentive to their feelings. At the same time, encourage your partner to look within at what may be keeping them from truly feeling secure and believing you when you say you're there for them.

First things first: Spend some time thinking, journaling, or talking with a trusted loved one or mental health professional to help you uncover what's causing your feelings of insecurity. "It's important to take a step back (or many steps back) to observe your childhood, relationship history, and overall personality," says Manly.

Sometimes what makes a person feel insecure in a relationship is, in fact, their partner's behavior. If there are specific things that your partner does or says that trigger your insecurities, bring them up to your partner and let them know how they make you feel. Be honest that you're struggling with insecurity and you want to feel more at ease in the relationship.

"Vulnerability goes a long way in relationships and has the potential to heal anxious attachments. The right person will want to make you feel emotionally safe in a relationship," couples' therapist Aparna Sagaram, LMFT, previously told mbg.

When we're feeling insecure about our relationship, we tend to scrutinize every little thing our partner does for any signs that indicate they're getting tired of us. We take words and actions out of context and assign negative meanings to them, always assuming the worst and attempting to prove our fears right.

To offset this unhealthy habit, Johnston recommends actively doing the opposite: looking for and holding onto the signs of security. The next time insecurities are coming up for you, think back to your previous conversations with your partner where they reassured you of their feelings. "We might also notice all the things that indicate that we are not about to be rejected: our partner's kind words, their actions, and the fun times we have together," she adds.

People-pleasing behavior is a common way insecurity manifests in relationships, so if this is something you struggle with, work on speaking up about the things you think and feel in the relationship.

While it's painful to imagine losing someone you really love, don't lose sight of the bigger picture. If this relationship is ultimately not right for one or both of you, then the relationship ending is the best possible outcome.

Getting over someone is hard, but trust that you will absolutely be able to do it with time. And eventually, you can absolutely find this type of connection again.

To be insecure in a relationship means to fear that the relationship is not stable and is at risk of falling apart. People can be insecure in their relationships even if their partner has given no indication of wavering feelings or commitment; often this type of insecurity stems from fears of past experiences of rejection repeating themselves in the current relationship.

There's nothing wrong with feeling insecure from time to time; what matters is how we handle those feelings. Do we take them out on our partner with accusations, controlling behavior, and volatility? Or do we use these feelings to better understand ourselves and to open up conversations with our partners about what we want and need?