How To Parent Multiple Kids With Unique Needs — Without Feeling Like You're Failing

After I had my third baby, I felt set up to fail. How was I to meet the needs of three different children in different developmental stages and not feel completely overwhelmed?

I find that most of the parenting advice I read on social media is targeted toward people with one child. For example, providing advice on how to handle a toddler who hits but not how to address the feelings of the one who is hit. Or they focus on how to ensure your infant gets good sleep but don't explain how to also not "shush" the older children incessantly.

It's hard for me not to seep into a place of guilt when I feel like I am giving more to one than the others. As a kid who was not the squeaky wheel, I am conscious of how easy it is to pay attention to the one that demands the most and yet sometimes find it hard not to.

I hear from other parents in therapy sessions what divided (versus undivided) attention feels like—listening to multiple requests at the same time, having to triage these requests, and not spinning out while it's all occurring!? 

In each relationship, there are three sets of needs—your needs, the other person's, and the relationship's needs. Multiply that by partners, friends, and a few children, and what we have is a community of people who all have to figure out how to work together to feel full enough.

I work with parents who want to protect their children from feeling negative emotions. They tell themselves it's because they don't want to see their child sad or disappointed, but the reality is that these parents themselves have a hard time tolerating the negative emotions in their own bodies while witnessing their child struggle.

Remember that the goal isn't to rescue your child from their negative emotions about sharing, it's to bear witness to it and get curious about what it feels like to be them.

I struggled with the false belief that I needed to give hours of individual time to each kid each week. When this didn't feel possible, I told myself I failed, which discouraged me from continuing to try.

Sometimes, when we set the goal too high and don't reach it, we tell ourselves we are the problem, when in reality, it may be the goal that needs adjustment.

I switched the goal to just 15 minutes of individual time per kid per day. It felt achievable, cup-filling for each of us, and reminded me that sometimes the shifts don't need to be drastic overhauls but can be bite-size interventions.

I meet with mothers who are bending themselves in every direction to meet the needs of their families so they don't have to get in touch with their own unmet needs (if we are constantly giving, we don't have to feel our depletion).

I remind them that they are not the only ones who need to give in their family system.

Though we should not expect our children to meet our emotional needs, I do find it helpful to speak to my family as if we are a community they play a role in while we are all working together toward a shared goal.

This means that sometimes children have to wait their turn, listen instead of talk, and be frustrated while someone else gets tended to (including the mother).

In the spirit of not wanting to do it all on my own, I reorient my children to other people in their lives to both build attachment relationships more widely, helping them trust others who love and support them, and to create space for myself.

You may find that you gravitate toward one kid because you experience a stronger temperament match—maybe this child is calmer or more cooperative. For example, I have a very rambunctious toddler, and sometimes her physicality jostles me and I feel ungrounded. Because I don't like that feeling, I notice a propensity to spend less one-on-one time with her.

A big misconception about how to become confident and connected adults is to have all your needs met as a child. Of course a dependent infant is different from a 10-year-old; however, in order to develop secure attachment as we age, we need our needs met about ⅓ of the time.

All needs are important and should be expressed, but sometimes acknowledging and validating that the need is beautiful but that it can't be met, allows our children to feel seen, heard, frustrated, disappointed, and ultimately learn that they are still loved and OK.

I hear parents blame themselves for not being able to show up as the caregivers they want to be. While it is important to take inventory of our parenting and make changes within our power when we are missing the mark, it's also essential to look at the weight bearing down on you. Living in a capitalist, racist, sexist society that grants privilege toward particular identities and disregards the needs of other social groups is also part of what makes parenting multiples so taxing and expensive.

When we beat ourselves up and begin to feel shame, the only person we take action against is ourselves through the forms of criticism and self-blame. When we are in a place of self-loathing, we do not parent well.