Post-Breakup Regret: How To Tell If Ending Your Relationship Was The Right Choice

A breakup is usually accompanied by a mix of conflicting emotions—but what if you're filled with a persistent feeling of panic and regret about the decision?

How do you know if you've made the wrong decision or if you're just in a momentary tailspin of second-guessing that's normal in the process of getting over a breakup? 

According to therapist Dennis Nguyen, LCSW, (no relation, by the way!) the feelings of paralysis and uncertainty are a perfectly normal reaction and should be expected. After all, decoupling signifies a time of intense and overwhelming change.

"All change comes with some grief," Nguyen tells mbg. "When we break up with someone, many folks may see that person less, have to change their living situation, or figure out how to navigate any shared friendships. Humans love routine and patterns—even when they're not helpful—and to disrupt this can lead to anxiety and fear about a new and unknown future."

Value differences and incompatibilities may be the reason the relationship cannot continue to sustain itself. Sometimes, love needs more than love and hard work—it requires mutual negotiation and reflection that the relationship honors your individual paths. 

"Take a hard and honest look at your values. Remind yourself what led to you and/or your partner deciding to separate. For a breakup to happen, there must have been a rationale that made sense, and it's good to honor that," Nguyen says.

Even though you feel peace, keep in mind those feelings may also be accompanied by emotions like fear, grief, anger, jealousy, sadness, and uncertainty—some of which are yours, and some which may belong to your partner. Not wanting to hurt someone you care about makes it harder to immediately land on acceptance about your decision. 

But if you've been looking for a reason to end the relationship, it's usually valid, even if it's covered in anguish at first glance. Some partnerships can be suffocating and limiting to your progression as an individual, and leaving is essential to continue on your journey. Just because you're sad and feel like an emotional wreck doesn't mean it's enough of a reason to stay. 

Will I feel lonely?

Will I be able to meet anyone else?

What if this was a mistake? 

These questions are all normal after a breakup, says Nguyen: "All change, even if it is largely positive, comes with some anxiety, fear, or regret." 

When you're thinking about the breakup, there can be a lot of sadness and pain around shared memories. Perhaps your life with them was easy and comforting, and imagining being on your own is terrifying. But don't let fear enable you to regress from your decision. It doesn't help you, and they don't deserve to be with someone who only wants to be with them because they don't want to be alone. 

If you're still feeling uncertain about the decision, it is helpful to remember that breakups are not always permanent. You can always go back to that person with the added bonus of maturity and self-work, but sometimes it takes time alone to do it. If the ending of the relationship was done in love, there's always an opportunity to re-meet them later; just make sure it's for the right reasons and not because you're using them as a scratching post for loneliness.