10 Necessary Steps To Fix A Toxic Relationship

The term "toxic relationship" is fairly ubiquitous in today's lexicon, but it shouldn't be normalized if it is a part of your partnership. "Toxic relationships happen when people are stuck in harmful relational patterns and cycles.

In romantic partnerships, physical or sexual attraction can be a powerful force that draws folks to stay in toxic relationships," couples' therapist Melody Li, LMFT, tells mbg. Toxic dynamics can be mended with conscious time, effort, and self-awareness. But both people need to be willing to change and accept responsibility to move forward.

Yes, toxic relationships can change. But that comes with a very big if. A toxic relationship can change if and only if both partners are equally committed to overcoming it with lots of open communication, honesty, self-reflection, and possibly professional help, individually and together.

It will require each of you to examine your actions and do inner work. If you or your partner is not willing to truly put in the effort, the relationship will not change and should be ended.

Additionally, if you don't see any improvements after going through these steps, the toxicity could be too much to overcome, and it may be better for you to move on.

"Before you attempt to confront a toxic partner, make sure your self-esteem and self-confidence are good enough for you to know that you will be all right if they end the relationship with you, or if you end up having to end it with them. If you're not there yet, seek support," trauma counselor Mily Gomez, LPC, tells mbg. "If you want to improve your relationship with a toxic partner, you have to be willing to leave that relationship if nothing changes. If you're unwilling to do so, your partner will ultimately know that regardless of what they do, you really won't leave." 

"Someone can recognize a toxic relationship if there is a constant presence of ABCD—accusations, blame, criticisms, and demands," Li says.

If these behaviors are rampant in your relationship, talk to your partner about them and agree to work together to end this cycle. When you find yourself falling into any of these behaviors, notice how you are escalating the argument by resorting to these toxic behaviors.

Often in toxic relationships, you find yourself walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting your partner, which over time can build up resentment. If you feel anxiety about communicating something to your partner because you're afraid of their response, take note. In a relationship, it's essential you feel relaxed and that you are able to be yourself and bring up concerns as they come up. 

In toxic relationships, one person is often not honoring themselves or their own needs. "You have opinions, likes, and dislikes, but you find yourself constantly doing something other than what you feel is right," Gomez says. "You don't want to hurt their feelings or get them upset." Over time, the relationship can shift into one-sidedness, and your needs become less visible to care for. 

"Someone can recognize a toxic relationship if one or both partners feel worse about themselves when they're in the relationship. It can be self-worth, confidence, or body image," Li says. Being around them doesn't feel stable; in fact, you feel like you live in a constant state of unease of trying to be better to feel good enough.

Healthy love—real, nurturing romance—doesn't involve any acts of earning. You are good enough simply by being who you are. 

Toxic relationships often involve gaslighting, a cognitive strategy that creates a subtle, unbalanced power dynamic that seeks to control the moment in the relationship. If you continually question your sensitivity level and judgment, it can rapidly devolve into you distrusting your own feelings and thoughts. 

Cultivating mindfulness practices can be key to learning how to trust yourself and your own experience. Your truth is not up for debate.

Constructive criticism can be a healthy expression in all contexts of a relationship. But if someone habitually criticizes you in a judgmental or condemnatory way that is no longer helpful, it is crossing the line. 

"There is criticism about everything. Every time you do something, they always have a comment about what you did wrong or how you could have done it better. Ultimately, you feel unappreciated," Gomez says.

Gomez points out that toxic relationships tend to be filled with little white lies—on both sides. If your partner tends to have caustic reactions when things don't go their way or when you disagree, you may have gotten used to simply telling them what they want to hear because you "don't want to waste time explaining the truth."

"There is a pattern of escalation (emotions intensifying) and rupture (fighting and conflict) without proper resolution. Partners may move on, without a plan in place for change and how to approach conflict differently," Li says. Does that sound familiar to you? 

If there is a history of conflict avoidance and lack of personal accountability, Li recommends establishing a safe space where each partner feels like they can share their feelings, needs, and desires without resorting to ABCD.

Fixing toxic relationships is no easy task, but it is possible with hard work from both parties. Make sure you have buy-in from your partner, and pay attention to whether meaningful change is happening over time as you do the work.

Remember, you deserve to be in a healthy, happy relationship that makes you feel good. Don't settle for anything less.