9 Steps To Emotionally Detach From Someone, From Therapists

There are many reasons practicing emotional detachment can be helpful. You may be breaking up with someone you love and need to find a way to emotionally disconnect despite feelings still being there or still talking to them regularly. You might be dealing with toxic co-workers at work, and the frustration may be spilling over to your personal life. Or perhaps you're dreading visiting your partner's extended family for the holidays because you don't share compatible political ideologies.

To detach from someone means becoming less attached to their behavior and feelings, reevaluating your perception of your connection to them, and adjusting the level of emotional investment you have with them to a place where it feels manageable.

"Emotionally detaching from someone involves taking a step back from your relationship," licensed psychologist Lauren Napolitano, Psy.D., tells mbg. "Perhaps this person (a friend or family member) was once a treasured member of your inner circle, but you've learned that the relationship is no longer healthy for you. By beginning to see this person differently, it allows you to detach—that is, to put less weight on that person's behavior toward you."

According to licensed clinical social worker Noelle McWard, LCSW, being detached means choosing not to engage with that person's behavior and no longer allowing yourself to be emotionally pulled into reacting to it.

"Detachment is a re-centering of your attention and energy on yourself, not the other person," she tells mbg. "When you place your energy and focus back on yourself rather than on trying to control the other person's behaviors and attitudes, you are in a better position to make better decisions about how it is best for you to engage in the relationship."

Before choosing emotional detachment, understanding emotional attachment—and how it differs from emotional detachment—may be useful.

McWard defines emotional attachment as the goal for all human relationships. It's a feeling of closeness and connection in relationship with others. When you're in a happy and secure attachment, you feel safe in the relationship.

On the other hand, she says unhealthy attachment can manifest in the form of anxious attachment (feelings of insecurity triggered by the other person's needs and wants, marked by intense fears of abandonment or betrayal) or avoidant attachment (feelings of overwhelm by the other person's needs and wants, marked with a desire to withdraw from the connection).

As a counter, detachment is about working with the relationship and accepting it for what it is instead of working on the relationship and hoping for change.

While you're untangling the parts of yourself that could be affected from the relationship, know that detachment doesn't have to be done in anger, resentment, hostility, or even involve the other person—especially if past communications haven't addressed your concerns.

Napolitano notes emotional detachment has similar, nuanced roots to the so-called quiet quitting phenomenon. "In quiet quitting, you are not alerting your boss that you are doing less work, but you [are stepping] back from the stress and pace of the job. It is very powerful to change your approach to a job or a relationship without making a pronouncement about your decision," she says. This allows you to intentionally pull away while protecting your space versus needing to leave the situation or banish them from your life forever.

Before reaching the point of emotional detachment, communication is an essential step to determine your course of action. Talk to the person in question, your friends, or a therapist about how the relationship is affecting you.

If you do decide it's time to detach, work on negotiating your emotional and physical availability to a place where you can still share space with them without compromising your boundaries.

If you're looking to detach from someone you love like an ex-spouse, favorite sibling, or best friend, it'll be a painful process—but remember that distancing can still be done with affection.

Emotional detachment can also look like "putting someone or something in a space or container in which you don't feel the need to react to what they are doing or who they are," McWard says. "It is the ability to maintain that you can still be OK and do the things that you need to do in your life, your job, etc., in spite of what the other person is doing." 

Maybe you're looking to get over a breakup, an unrequited crush, or a Hinge hookup that you still see around. Don't diminish your feelings by not allowing yourself to be sad. It's normal to be disappointed, and the longer you deny your feelings, the longer you'll keep thinking about them.

Maybe you're looking to emotionally disconnect from a toxic co-worker who wants to get you involved with workplace drama. With individuals whom you are forced to interact with on a regular basis, McWard suggests focusing only on the aspects of the relationship that pertain to those common interests or responsibilities.

"This will be different for each person in each situation. It may mean that you recognize that the choices that someone else makes or their actions are not your responsibility or do not require your approval," McWard says. "This may mean that you no longer engage in certain aspects of the relationship because doing so is hurtful or harmful to you in some way." 

"If you have a family member whose behavior is toxic (perhaps they're abusing alcohol, maybe they have radically different politics than you do, etc.), you may have found yourself arguing with this person over the years. Perhaps you've even pleaded with them to change their behavior," Napolitano says. "Emotional detachment involves realizing that this person is unlikely to change quickly and that it's better to love this person from afar than to get sucked into a pattern of fighting with this person."

If you see them every day, they don't have to know you are detaching since it can be conveyed with a subtle, nonverbal shift in attitude.

In our relationships, we want to be honest and embody our best selves. With emotional detachment, you don't always have to strive to embody that version of yourself with all the people in your life, and that's perfectly OK. Not all relationships require you to take the higher action. After all, it takes two people to effect change.