How To Deal With Emotionally Unavailable People: 11 Steps

Relationships are hard, but they can be even more difficult to navigate when someone is emotionally unavailable. Being emotionally unavailable means a person is unable to connect with their feelings or their partner's feelings.

According to licensed psychotherapist Antranique Neblett, LCSW, emotionally unavailable people often find ways to avoid serious or emotional conversations, which then creates an intimacy barrier (not just physically) and never truly allows the relationship to mature to its fullest.

There are different types of emotional unavailability, and it's important to be aware of what's behind your partner or potential partner's behavior.

Sometimes emotional unavailability is temporary: "This may be due to a shifting of priorities, where the individual is unable to give time and attention to feelings of their own and their partner," explains Neblett. Some examples include the death of a loved one, work obligations, or healing from an injury.

Similarly, trauma can greatly affect a person's psyche and may cause someone to keep their guard up to protect themselves against getting hurt. Trauma can oftentimes be traced to someone's childhood or previous relationships where they learned suppressing their emotions could help them survive a situation, Gatling explains. If a person's emotional unavailability is a trauma response, it can usually be worked through and healed over time.

For someone to work through their emotional unavailability, they have to acknowledge it's a problem. Has your partner described themselves as emotionally unavailable, or is it something you're noticing about them? 

Confronting someone about this can be a double-edged sword, says Neblett. "Pointing out someone's flaws who may not believe they have any can backfire," she warns. "The person may begin to turn things around on their partner and potentially sabotage the relationship."

Both Neblett and Gatling agree that if you address someone's emotional unavailability, express how it's affecting you and lead with "I" statements. It's also important to have clear examples of why you think they're emotionally unavailable so that they don't feel ambushed, Neblett emphasizes. If your partner seems receptive after you express your feelings, then you can try to help them identify how their emotional unavailability is affecting them—but only if they're open to it, Gatling says.

It can be exceptionally draining to remain in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable, especially when you yourself are very emotionally available and secure. This situation usually leads to feelings of rejection and unimportance, and it can be very upsetting when you recognize the energy you've put into a relationship outweighs your partner's contributions.

Over time, a person can begin to internalize their emotionally unavailable partner's behaviors and become depressed. "Sometimes a wall may go up for the partner, and now you have two emotionally unavailable people in a relationship," explains Neblett. "Commonly, the partner conforms to the behaviors and carries on in the relationship."

"We cannot be responsible for our partner's emotional climates. It's up to us individually," Gatling says. That means if your partner shuts down because they're upset, don't pressure them into talking or try to fix it, because it's not your "responsibility to manage your partner's emotional well-being and happiness, as far as expressing those emotions."

Individual and/or couples therapy can be extremely beneficial to a relationship. Needing to talk to someone to process your emotions is nothing to be ashamed of. So, decide whether bringing in an unbiased third party to help navigate tough discussions is the right step for you, advises Neblett. Not only does it help shed new light on a situation, but it can also help identify harmful patterns within a relationship, adds Gatling. 

"You have to step back, in support of them hopefully stepping up," Gatling explains. It's important to be clear with your partner about what you want from the relationship and how you would like them to show up for you.

Saying goodbye to a relationship you've worked hard to build isn't easy. It takes strength, a good sense of self, and a willingness to acknowledge your needs are not being consistently met. "You really have to see that conscious effort happening on the other person's end," says Gatling. "It can't just be you working and waiting for things to change."

Sometimes you have to ask yourself whether you would be happy if your partner's behavior were to continue after a certain amount of time. In exploring that question, you will find your answer. If you're on the fence, here are signs it's time to end a relationship.