Want To Be A Power Couple? Here's How To Do It In 6 Expert-Approved Steps

We all have different reasons for wanting a partnership; some of us crave intimacy, others security—and some want to be part of a power couple.

But how do two people become a power couple, you ask? Were they just always that way, or are they clued into some secret to success? According to the author of Wired for Love and developer of the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT) Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, there is no secret.

According to Tatkin, one of the first orders of business for any couple is coming up with a shared vision, which provides hope for the relationship as a whole. From there, of course, the couple works together collaboratively and cooperatively to get there.

"Unless we have a purpose that we're focusing on with a vision, in terms of where we want to end up, not only do we not go there, but we tend to fight and pick at each other when we don't have a shared purpose," Tatkin tells mindbodygreen.

This one might seem obvious, but any power couple is going to respect each other and be aligned with each other. However, obvious as it may seem, it doesn't always come easily or naturally.

As Tatkin explains, being mutually aligned and respected requires couples to think through what agreements they have—and further, how they're going to stand by those agreements even when it's challenging.

Compromise can have an almost negative connotation where one person is really losing out, but Tatkin notes power couples have a kind of compromise where both people win. By protecting each other's needs and making thoughtful accommodations towards those needs, couples are more willing to do what the other wants.

"We want to do things together, we want to be together, but we're different people—and the chances of wanting to do the same thing at the same time are slim to nil," Tatkin explains, "So I'm going to bargain. I'm going to make it worth your while so that we can do whatever it is together. We have to think in terms of a two-person system, not simply a one-person system."

A degree of structure—and rules—are healthy for any relationship, especially when they've been thought up collaboratively. There are going to be times when one person bothers the other, for instance, so it's important to have a game plan for how you handle those situations.

"The collaboration is basically the legislation, the policies—how we're going to behave and how we're going to restrict ourselves so we don't harm each other," Tatkin says, "And also how we can be the most fluid and make the relationship as easy as possible as we go. And that has to be done thoughtfully."

Most couples can identify their own common sticking points, so once you identify them, he explains, plans, and prepares for how you can prevent them. From there, cooperation comes in when one person complies or yields to this preset agreement.

For example, Tatkin tells mindbodygreen, if a couple has an agreement that they don't let bad moods ruin the night, and then the time comes when a bad mood strikes, one person can say, "Hey, let's not ruin the night with crankiness," the other must honor that preset agreement—even if it's tough.

Self-esteem is not some static thing that remains constant forever. It's influenced by many factors, including our relationships. For power couples, Tatkin says, both people are determined to make the other feel good about themselves.

From a scathing look to ignoring bids for attention, we can negatively impact our partner's self-esteem without even realizing it. And that's why it's essential, Tatkin tells mindbodygreen, for couples to regard each other positively. If they don't, he adds, it's inevitable that their self-esteem will be impacted for the worse.

Finally, we have equity, which can look like a lot of different things depending on the relationship in question—but ultimately, we're talking about having a level playing field where neither partner has more or less to lose.

"[Inequity] can't work in a team of equals, unless somebody's just fine with it...but I've seen very few people that go through life staying fine with it," Tatkin explains. "If you have a lack of parity within a free and fair union of equals, there's going to be trouble. That's when people act out. That's when people are resentful."

Tackling these steps might take some trial and error (and patience), but any couple willing to try can be a power couple. Tatkin recommends getting started by imagining you're the rulers of a new world—your world together—and figuring out how you would govern it.

"Just sit down and decide, what are we and why are we? Who and what do we serve? What is our purpose as a union, as an alliance?" he says.