How To Transform Criticism Into Productive Communication, From A Couples' Therapist

When you criticize your partner, you actually hurt yourself—because by criticizing, you're creating a rupture in your connection. People can be quick to justify being critical because they feel they're advocating for their needs.

Verbal criticism sounds like globalized language such as, "You always" or "You never." Verbal language is also pointing out your partner's flaws in a frustrated, passive-aggressive, or joking way. Using "should" statements to correct your partner's behavior can inspire feelings of shame and blame, which feel critical.

Nonverbal criticism comes in the form of eye rolls, heavy sighs, or frustrated body language which conveys a rejection or tone of dissatisfaction. However, what I tell the couples I work with is that, actually, criticism is best described as anything that feels critical to your partner. If you use your metrics for what is critical, you're missing the opportunity to attune to your partner’s emotional world and become more sensitive to what they find critical.

Criticism often occurs when a complaint is expressed as a character flaw. For example, you might say, "You never put your shoes away when you come home. You're such a moron," instead of saying, "Babe, it's so important to me to keep our entryway clear. Would you mind making an effort to put your shoes in the closet when you come home?"

People often use criticism as a defense against vulnerability, as it is more vulnerable to express one's needs directly. I've heard partners say, "It's the only way I can get through to him!" and while that is hardly ever the case, who cares if the shoes get put away if the consequence is that you've made your partner feel bad?

When a person experiences ongoing criticism, just like any of Gottman's four horsemen, these behaviors slowly decrease self-esteem and self-confidence in both of you, and you will both retreat to your opposite sides in order to gain the safety of distance. And, just like all of these relationship-destroying behaviors this only escalates conflict. Every single time.

There are a number of factors that contribute to couples using this strategy in their relationship—the first being that, often, we're repeating behavior that was shown to us.

Either our caregivers were critical of one another, or they used this tactic with us to try to get us to behave in ways that were more "acceptable."

Another reason criticism shows up is related to vulnerability. Expressing a need or a wish is much more vulnerable than criticizing, and it requires self-reflection and accountability. Being vulnerable with our partner requires courage, but it can also reap great rewards and greater intimacy.

Collaborating in order to create the safety needed for vulnerability is essential to mitigating criticism. Practice assertive, vulnerable communication and express your needs directly while increasing empathy so you see the hurt you cause when you criticize.

In order for conflict dialogue to be productive, it's important to learn to express your feelings as neutrally as possible and to transform criticism or complaints into the expression of a positive need. Here are a few examples of coaching yourself toward translation:

"You are a terrible listener," translates to, "It's so important to me that I feel like I have your full attention."

"You're completely selfish about your time," translates to, "I need to feel like I'm a priority, and I'd love for you to tell me when we can have a date night, just you and me."

The founder of the psychobiological approach to couples' therapy, Stan Tatkin, argues that people are more designed for war than they are for love, so it's understandable and human that our first reaction to conflict is defensiveness and combativeness. We have to learn containment and productive conflict communication.