Resentment In Parenting Is Common—How To Avoid It According To A Therapist

Resentment often gets crystalized in parenting. Because children have so many needs (rightfully so), parents' needs get subconsciously subjugated. Whether or not we want to admit it, we are angry about this. Anger is a healthy reaction to injustice, and when we perceive that we are getting the shorter end of the stick or that our partners may have more personal freedom than we do, we want to blame them as the cause for our suffering.

It can feel safer to project our anger about unmet needs towards our partners because we cannot expect our children to hold it for us. The nearby adult seems like a more viable dumping ground. 

Because resentment often gets expressed when we cannot stand holding it in any longer, it can be abrasive. Resentment in parenting often begins with “look at all I’ve done for us/you/our children…” With such statements, we are begging for recognition—we want our self-sacrifice to be recognized.

Sometimes, we pour into others with the hope that if we give enough, they will see how depleted we are and will give back to us. And yet, what many of us come to find is this strategy often leaves us feeling emptied out and mad about it.

By the time we are resentful, we’ve blown past internal stop signs that, if listened to, might have prevented less harm to ourselves and our partnerships.

In order to respect our limits, we have to first own that we have them. This can be a hard thing to do, especially if you’re a highly capable person (you’ve gotten used to giving simply because you can) or you’ve been rewarded for self-denial and your ability to go “above and beyond.”

Identifying when to push past a limit and when to respect it can be tricky in parenting. There are times when I am tired but still need to cook dinner for my family. In these moments, I can feel the pressure of having to go beyond what I want to do to do what I have to do.

However, there are also times when you might be overfunctioning, doing more than your share in your relationship—planning all the dates, cleaning up the table, having the hard conversations with your child—and you are doing so automatically and without pause.

This is a therapeutic technique used to help couples discuss difficult topics without escalating to heated conflict. 

Each person takes turns speaking while his/her/their partner listens and paraphrases what the speaker said. While sharing, use “I” statements, name your biggest pain points (avoiding the laundry list of all the things you wish were different), and do not refute the other’s position or problem solve.

It means refraining from criticizing another to step into the deep well of your own unmet needs and pain. This takes courage, but also often brings you closer to what you truly want: a partner who sees all you do and understands your request for help. 

Reframe your complaints as specific needs.

For example, instead of saying “you never wash the dishes,” state your feeling and your desire as “I am feeling really depleted lately, I feel like I can’t keep going, and I am in need of a break. I’d appreciate it if you wash the dishes for half the week. Can you help me out with this?”

Instead of getting angry at each other, consider what other systems and institutions are bearing down on you that are assisting in the creation of the difficult circumstances in your household.

For example, if you want your partner to do more household labor but they express they are exhausted from working outside the home, can you both get mad at the lack of family-friendly policies in the US that require parents to make difficult decisions with their time and energy?

If you are a woman and finding it hard to advocate for your needs, can you and your partner examine how you’ve been taught to deny your needs to be pleasing to others, and that’s making it difficult for you to thrive in the present?

Too many expectations to get our needs met are placed on our partners. With the rise of individualism and secularism, many needs that used to be placed on a community or a deity now get projected onto a partner.

We expect our partners to be able to solve our problems, when really they are too heavy for one person to carry.