6 Necessary Steps For Couples To Finally Move On From A Painful Fight

That which isn't seen cannot change. Many couples try to handle relationship injuries by sweeping them under the rug. This is a big mistake. When avoidance or neglect become a strategy, you get a seriously lumpy rug. And when we are harboring hurt, or waiting for hurt to happen again, it's only a matter of time before what is under the rug rolls out.

Some couples succeed in compartmentalizing relationship hurts and traumas, but this can often mean an estranged relationship. Relationship ruptures inspire feelings of helplessness and danger, and when danger is present, we don't feel safe to be vulnerable. When we don't feel safe to be vulnerable with our partner, our connection is compromised.

Unresolved relationship trauma does not heal without a process of forgiveness and amends. When hurt occurs between couples, they need a special kind of healing process that cultivates forgiveness and reestablishes the willingness to trust again.

The first goal for partners in the process of reconnection is the forgiveness part. Many people think about forgiveness as a moral issue, but it can help to reconstruct and reimagine forgiveness as a relational process. In addition to letting go of resentment and forgiving your partner, we also have to be willing to trust again. Trust reestablished is the ultimate goal.

Coach yourself to follow a simple outline by stating, "When you did X, I felt Y, and my feeling of safety feels compromised in this way."

Until the injured partner truly can truly feel that their partner has recognized the pain that they have caused, they will not be able to let go. They will continue to bring up the wound until they feel some sense of repair. This is an intuitive biological and social contract. Why should I invite you close again, until I know I will be safe?

Often after a relationship trauma we vow to ourselves, and sometimes our partner, "I will never trust you again" or "I will never share my deepest yearnings/fears/needs with you again."

The injured partner can offer what they vowed. For example, "The story I told myself after this event is that you're too fragile to be with my pain, and so I vowed to never share my deeper feelings with you."

This absolutely cannot take the form of an impersonal or defensive apology. It is imperative that the partner that has caused the hurt enter into a state of empathy and, as best as they can, feel into the pain they have caused. We have to demonstrate that our partner's pain has an impact on us.

The injured partner should identify what they need right now to heal the wound. They then ask for these needs to be met in the future in a way that is different from the original incident. This might sound like, "I needed you to hold me then and tell me you are there for me. I need that right now." (Then the injuring partner will embrace their partner and say, "I am here for you.")

You might start right away by saying, "Remember that time there was so much hurt between us and then we processed it and reconnected? That felt so good!" This might include a daily ritual of a hug and an expression of, "I'm here for you."