What Is The Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style? 8 Signs & How To Overcome It

Based on these formative connections, you can fall into four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, fearful avoidant, and dismissive avoidant. The dismissive-avoidant attachment style is easy to spot, marked by someone who tends to avoid intimacy and prefers independence.

Where you fall on the spectrum depends on your environment and how your needs were met:

They're also sensitive to feeling controlled, Sims adds, and they have a core fear of being hurt that makes it difficult to bond and open up. This makes it tricky for them to date since for them, the process of knowing and trusting potential partners is marked by pain, confusion, and distress. 

They learned that if they need something, they must obtain it for themselves. Over time, Macaluso continues, they learn not to depend on others, which makes it difficult to cultivate lasting romantic relationships. "The forced independence develops as a need to avoid feeling rejection and neglect. They become over-attuned to themselves and under-attuned to others in order to need them less," she says. 

Casual relationships are low stakes and allow the dismissive-avoidant type to feel some intimacy without it being overwhelming. They prefer connections with little obligations in their romantic life. But as soon as a connection deepens via personal questions and emotional demands, the dismissive-avoidant person tends to peel back and slow down momentum with work and hobbies. "Avoidant adults typically prefer their social connections to remain surface-level only. If someone starts to push them on this, they close themselves off and retreat pretty quickly," Sims says. 

The relationship may start off normally. Yet as soon as the relationship blossoms, the dismissive avoidant starts to back off—which can make their partner question the bond and feel neglected. When the dismissive-avoidant partner feels emotionally regulated again, they reach out to reestablish connection, only to repeat the inconsistent pattern because they never solved their underlying vulnerabilities. 

If someone is able to get close to them, Sims notes dismissive avoidants might try to subconsciously sabotage the relationship by picking up on small things such as their partner's behaviors, habits, or appearance. "People with [dismissive] avoidant attachment don't simply break up with other people for no reason. But when their attachment style is triggered, they might feel the need to escape."

Because they don't fear abandonment (and expect it in many cases), as soon as the relationship gets challenging, dismissive avoidants look for the exit. The partner may feel heartbroken by their cold response, but their distance isn't intentionally malicious—the dismissive-avoidant person is responding to the terror of potential rejection, so they prematurely close off.

Sims notes that the dismissive-avoidant attachment style also tends to come with a lot of self-reliance, confidence, and a sense of togetherness. Due to their overreliance in themselves, dismissive avoidants often have an individualistic, accomplished personality with many priorities that take up their time and attention. They know who they are, the things they like, and have specific goals in life. They tend to be low-maintenance colleagues, friends, and romantic partners since they prefer taking care of themselves and their troubles on their own. The only thing missing is the ability to form deep and authentic emotional ties with others. 

Because they're inherently uncomfortable with vulnerability, someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style may judge other people who are overly demonstrative of their affection and emotions. "Their low opinion of people creates a general distrust of others," Macaluso says. "They are often labeled as narcissists because they think too well of themselves and too poorly of others." 

Sims notes dismissive-avoidant people tend to lack awareness of their inner world, emotions, needs, and fears. Although they have a strong sense of self, they mainly project a false self to the world. "They don't allow others to be there for them and show that they care for and love them," Sims says. Whenever someone moves to close the distance, the dismissive avoidant strives to increase the distance. 

The dismissive avoidant may secretly want a relationship but actively resist making love happen because they don't know how to trust others. Instead of being open to the possibility of connection, they're likely to enforce strong boundaries that prevent prospective partners from entering their life in a meaningful manner. 

Here's what to know if you're dating someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment: 

The journey with the self starts with the origin. As their partner, you can support them on their journey, but healing their attachment style is an internal process. To foster interdependence in the relationship, the dismissive avoidant may benefit from seeing a therapist on their own to understand their past patterns and how it shows up throughout all of their past relationships. This helps them connect to others safely and improves their secure attachment. 

When their attachment style is activated, they'll want to run away. Instead, encourage them to stay and discuss it with you so they don't deny their feelings. You can help by creating a space where they can share their emotions without fear of rejection or humiliation. Macaluso says to expect a period of openness and the experience of relief before your partner quickly withdraws once more. During this, she notes the importance of giving them time and space to process their conflicting emotions and to remain available as the secure base they can return to once they are ready for more emotional contact. 

"Learn positive affirmations and practice repeating them frequently," Sims advises for the dismissive avoidant. "Notice when you are judging and criticizing others, and bring an attitude of acceptance instead—we are all flawed in some way." 

"Understanding how your partner is wired and responding to them lovingly in a way that understands their attachment pattern can help them heal," Macaluso says. It lets you realize that if you chase your partner, they will outrun you, so it's better to exercise patience and not make them feel guilty or ashamed of their feelings—which will only reinforce their dismissive-avoidant attachment injury. 

A mindfulness practice—the skill of being present with yourself and the present moment—will also help you feel your emotions as they come up and the potential excitement you have about connecting with a partner. Macaluso recommends allowing yourself to experience those feelings and being OK with the longing of wanting love. 

The beauty of doing inner work is that you can arm yourself with the tools and resources to cope with your dismissive-avoidant attachment style. You can heal your attachment issues by letting people in and building healthier habits through sustained and consistent practice.