This Is Why Couples Don't Always Feel Closer After A Romantic Date Night

Have you ever tried to create connection and intimacy by lighting candles, putting on music, drinking some wine, and dressing in sexy lingerie—only to have the experience fall flat? Or what about planning a date night such as having dinner and going to a movie, only to find that you don't actually feel close and connected when you get home?

The thing is that all these are great if both people are already connected, but they don't create connection.

Connection or disconnection is about what's happening between two people energetically. It's about whether they feel safe and open with each other—safe to share themselves and their feelings without worrying about their partner getting angry, critical, blaming, or withdrawn.

Granted, none of this is easy, but imagine how connected and intimate you would feel with your partner if the energy between you felt this clear and safe?

Let's think about a few examples.

Let's say you and your partner are making love and something he or she does hurts you. Do you stay quiet and bear it because you are afraid if you speak up your partner will get upset and withdraw—or get angry and blame you for ruining the experience? Or do you feel safe enough to say "ouch," knowing that your partner will care about hurting you and feel compassion for you? If you can't safely speak up, how does this affect your connection and intimacy?

If you don't feel safe to speak your truth, having a date night or setting the atmosphere with candles and wine is not going to increase your connection. Creating a lovely scene to be together or going out to have fun together can result in a wonderful time if you are already connected, but it will likely feel forced and unsatisfying if you are not creating a safe relationship space in which to feel close and connected with each other.