Co-Parenting With A Narcissist? 7 Tips To Make It Work & Support Your Child

Ending a relationship—whether you're in the middle of a tough divorce or consciously uncoupling—is hard enough, but when you add kids, things can get excruciatingly complicated. And if the person you'll be co-parenting with is a narcissist, then it might feel impossible to make it work.

One of the biggest challenges of co-parenting with a narcissist is usually the state of the relationship after the breakup.

"Narcissists do not leave relationships on good terms, and they'll often burn the emotional house down on their way out the door," explains licensed clinical social worker Kimberly Perlin, LCSW. "They see the world in a black-and-white manner—either you are on their side, or you are against them. Ending a romantic relationship with a narcissist is seen as a rejection even if they are the one who left. Rejection brings up all the feelings of vulnerability and inadequacy they cannot tolerate, so they may be inclined to strike out instead of feeling."

According to licensed clinical social worker and relationship counselor Darcy Sterling, Ph.D., LCSW, parenting is the ultimate team sport, and the last person you want on your team is a narcissist. A typical day of healthy co-parenting involves "communicating and collaborating whenever needed, sharing the burden of parenting in as equal a way as possible, compromising, and being flexible as needed," Sterling says. Additionally, when discussing the other parent to or in front of the children, Sterling stresses the importance of using "neutral or positive language, i.e., not talking sh*t about the other parent." 

When it comes to parenting with an ex, there are multiple ways to approach it. You can take the typical co-parenting approach, which requires both parents to be civil and interact regularly, or you can try parallel parenting. 

"Co-parenting is a process by which two parents mutually make decisions regarding the child's welfare and needs (such as disciplinary tactics, school choices, extracurricular activities, academic goals, friends, etc.)," says Sterlin Mosley, Ph.D., assistant professor in the Department of Human Relations at the University of Oklahoma. "Co-parenting is often used in situations with divorced, separated, or otherwise uncoupled parents who have a mutual interest in the child's well-being, growth, and development."

This approach assumes a level of cooperation and some alignment in child-rearing philosophies and strategies to be successful. It typically works best when the adults involved have an amicable and cooperative relationship.

Another approach is parallel parenting, which is a term used to describe a method of parenting whereby two (or more) parents minimize their interaction with each other but coordinate various aspects of the child-rearing as needed. 

"Parallel parenting is typically utilized when the adults have difficulty having amicable interactions, and as such, co-parenting may be too involved and intimate and not in the best interest of the child given the conflictual or acrimonious result of the adults' interactions," Mosley explains. "Parallel parenting requires more prior planning and structure to minimize potential difficulties, and parents must still have the best interest of the child at heart to navigate the parallel parenting relationship smoothly."

Co-parenting with a narcissist can be difficult because compromise is often challenging. In this case, parallel parenting may be preferable because it reduces contact between the narcissist and the other parent. The narcissist may even prefer to only coordinate necessary details and keep their worlds separate from the other parent to maintain a greater sense of control over the child. 

It's also worth keeping in mind that someone with narcissistic traits could use the minimal contact involved in parallel parenting to their advantage.

"The narcissist may leverage the expectation of minimal interaction to further obstruct, stonewall, or neglect their responsibilities or promises. It may require the intervention of a third party to help facilitate some requests depending on the level of acrimony or anger the narcissist exhibits," Mosley says.

Co-parenting with a narcissist will be extremely triggering. Accepting that you are on the other end of a difficult personality is important for you to gain the tools to cope with it. 

"One of the best things to be mindful of is your reaction to 'the fire' that will come your way when parenting with this type of personality. Refraining from reacting and responding impulsively will help lower the volume of conflict and create a better environment for the child," says therapist Kim Egel.

Unless you're incredibly lucky, you and your ex-partner probably won't have the same parenting styles—which means you'll often find yourselves on different pages. And since children end up suffering when parents fail to align, it might be worth revisiting the arrangement.

If you're co-parenting with someone who's a narcissist, especially if the experience has been particularly difficult, you might be concerned about whether these traits could have been passed on to your child. According to Mosley, narcissism is a complex personality trait that exists along a continuum from mild to more extreme. 

"There is some research to suggest that narcissistic traits are genetic, but this by no means predetermines that a child will express the genetic tendency in a pathological way," he explains. "The development of narcissistic personality disorder (which is the clinical diagnosis of narcissistic traits that have developed into a set of traits and behaviors that cause social, emotional, and interpersonal impairment) is a condition that many psychologists and researchers believe is exacerbated by a variety of factors. The factors that contribute to the development of NPD include abuse, neglect, or excessive coddling or inaccurate mirroring of a child's strengths and deficits."

When things really aren't working, you might feel incredibly overwhelmed. If you've found yourself in this situation and you're unsure of your next steps, Child Protective Services specialist and former investigator Will Kesselman says you have options.

"If something isn't working, you must change it, and the sooner the better. Because the longer it goes on, the harder it is to fix. If you've decided you want sole, instead of joint custody, then there is often a good reason for that," he says.

Kesselman says before you do anything, make sure you've collected enough evidence to support your claims. If you're looking to gain sole custody, you'll have to appear before a judge. Oftentimes, a judge will assume the situation has been fine until something happened recently to change it, instead of assuming it wasn't working from the beginning.

"While there are no guarantees, the more proof, facts, and documentation from professionals (on letterhead) that you have, the more it forces the judge to make the tough decision," he says. It may help to consult with a legal expert beforehand to know what to do and how to prepare.

It's likely that your narcissistic ex won't be pleased with the fact that you're seeking to change the previous arrangement and may try to force you to rethink it.

"The perpetrator may use the court, the police, or any other system to force [you] to see, talk to, or otherwise interact with them. Also, joint custody and visitation is a way for them to use the child you have in common as a pawn to continue to control [you]," Kesselman says.