How To Break Up With A Narcissist: 12 Tips + What To Expect

No one teaches us to identify narcissists, so by the time we realize we're with one, we're blindsided. Breakups themselves are hard enough, but navigating one with a narcissist adds an extra layer of confusion and mind games.

When breaking up with a narcissist, prepare for them to potentially respond with extreme behavior. Sometimes they'll turn on you and begin to attack you; sometimes they'll promise to change and beg you not to leave, sometimes by way of guilt-tripping you.

Psychologist Jonathan Marshall, Ph.D., says you have to see this type of breakup as a long game: "It takes consistent ongoing effort because your own issues are used by the narcissist against you," he tells mbg. "It's a siege."

With most people, you can have reasonable discussions of when certain behaviors are unacceptable. With a narcissist, their response almost always flips between "You're crazy/unreasonable/too sensitive" and "I promise to change, so give me a chance." The goalposts are always changing, and you walk on eggshells, with your sense of reality gradually eroding. There are times when the narcissist may have appeared to have changed, except that it's often one step forward and five steps back. And then you get blamed for calling them out, even if they're hurting you.

By the time you're ready to leave, a big problem is that you're probably distant from your friends and voices of wisdom—a typical machination by the narcissist.

Sometimes we know what it's like to turn our lives around, and so we invest faith in others who seek redemption. The problem is, narcissists often cannot and will not change. Every so-called change is piecemeal and ephemeral, and you pay for that dearly.

"If I judge him, doesn't that make me unspiritual? Then I am as bad as him!" Many clients come to me with this sort of sentiment.

There is an inherent problem with the maxim "Don't judge." It presupposes that anytime we decide something isn't good for us, we're bad people, and we judge ourselves instead. To be alive is to judge—every time you reverse your car in the parking lot, you are making a judgment call on what angle to maneuver. Discernment does not make you a bad person. It makes you a wiser person.

Yes, you were not perfect. You did bad things too. Not only in your life, but in the relationship. When you were pushed and provoked, you might've snapped. You might've said mean things in the heat of the moment.

The narcissist uses these instances against you, saying you are equally to blame. They'll use lines like, "Remember how good things used to be between us. It's all your fault I'm like this now." They'll try to make you feel you have no right to call them a narcissist.

Yes, you might've made bad decisions or done "bad" things. But unlike a narcissist, you didn't deliberately set a trap to slowly hook, hoodwink, and then abuse another person for your own sick kicks.

A major problem I see is when clients tell me how they've been trying to talk things through for years in therapy, and nothing's changed. It may have even gotten worse due to repeatedly re-experiencing of the trauma, and life doesn't feel safe anymore.

You can rationalize everything away when it comes to a narcissist, and that's not a good thing. Yes, there's a reason the narcissist is the way they are—genetics, family dynamics, substance abuse, etc. It's not your job to analyze why or to get caught in the smoke and mirrors. When it comes to narcissists, the root of the problem is them, and the reason we call it a "personality disorder" in psychiatry is because it cannot change. Nor is it serving you to rationalize your feelings or trauma away or to scold yourself for feeling a certain way, expecting yourself to "just move on."

Narcissists move on very quickly, even if they abruptly U-turn and tell you it's only to forget you while they struggle with how much they love you. Words are cheap, and the narcissist thrives on messing with your head, knowing that you'll be fixated on them rather than healing yourself and meeting someone who deserves you. (This behavior is sometimes known as hoovering.)

Many clients tell me they are upset by how the narcissist seems to be unscathed while they themselves are a hot mess. They question why they are "weak and useless," and they want to give up.

When breaking up with a narcissist, you might fall into the trap of blaming yourself. For walking away, getting involved, not walking away, not seeing the red flags— basically, everything. It'll play out in a way where you feel damned if you do and damned if you don't. Marshall explains that from the start, the narcissist capitalizes on your tendency to self-blame. They'll increasingly make you responsible for the fact that their world isn't good.

"Once you leave, you continue to assume you're to blame because that intimate person in your life has a voice in your head, speaking in your own language because that's what they do," he says, adding, "it's not obvious that it's their voice playing; it sounds like your own."

Many of my clients who attract narcissists tend to be both type A personalities and empathetic. This means they are tough on themselves and expect themselves to overgive, blaming themselves for the times they never gave enough. Instead of dedicating resources and attention to healing, they're often ruminating and beating themselves up for everything they did wrong in that relationship, as if any modification would change the past.

"I don't care or want to talk about my childhood. It doesn't matter," some of my clients tell me. The truth is, it does. Often, we get attracted to narcissists because of something that happened at an earlier time in our lives—perhaps, our childhood—or somewhere along the family tree.

In psychology, repetition compulsion is where we keep repeating the same dynamics with different people to resolve a trauma. This is done unconsciously and therefore with the wrong kind of people who are bad for us, and as such relationships play on a loop over and over like a bad magic spell, we learn to feel more helpless and hopeless.

"Many clients often say, 'I can't do it now,'" Marshall tells me. They give reasons like the narcissist's work is too intense, or they're going through some tough family drama. "You need to be very wise and savvy when you hear your own voice saying 'not now.' There will always be another crisis next time. You are set up against an army—his manipulations, your caregiving, feeling isolation—trying to delude you of that clarity. Sometimes there is no good time; you just have to leave."

What if you have to maintain communication because of joint assets or children, or you're busy fighting legal battles? In this case, the narcissist will use your history and your trauma against you, pushing your buttons so you are blindsided and look unstable.

Here's where you engage people—professionals and loved ones—to have your back, work together, and call you out whenever you self-sabotage. It takes a village, and having that village doesn't make you weak.

Self-compassion can feel like a fluffy term, but the truth is, it can actually up your well-being and even your work performance. My Olympian friend Peter Shmock simply calls it "being good to yourself."

The parts of you that are frightened, angry, traumatized, and confused do not need any more bullying. Just as you'd hug a frightened child or a sick puppy, kindness is exactly what you need right now. And the only stentorian discipline you need is in your devotion to your healing—practicing grounding exercises to help retrain your brain in acknowledging your feelings rather than scolding yourself and stuffing them down.

Breaking up with a narcissist is uniquely difficult, and you can expect a lot of tumultuous emotions as you battle the feelings of guilt, self-judgment, and emotional manipulation from your ex. Stick to your convictions, and know that you do deserve to be in a healthy, loving relationship.