What Being "Clingy" Really Means In Relationships & How To Handle It

Love can inspire transcendence and a yearning to melt with your partner profoundly. However, that longing can quickly slip into overwhelming neediness if you begin to prioritize the relationship above all else. "Merging" in relationships generates physical and emotional closeness, but taken to its extreme, it can veer into what people sometimes refer to as being "clingy" or "clinginess."

Clinginess often gets a bad rap, but oftentimes, people who are exhibiting clingy behavior may not be aware of how they're coming off. The terror of abandonment overrides their ability to stay cool since they are more focused on soothing their insecurities. Patterns will commonly manifest in behaviors such as incessantly texting your S.O. throughout the day to check in, excessively monitoring their social media accounts to see what they're up to, and making early effusive professions of love (which may ring hollow in certain moments) to secure a closer connection.

"Attachment styles are a factor when understanding why some people are clingier than others," Andre explains. "Someone with a secure attachment style will have healthier boundaries and most likely not see their partner's independence threateningly, as compared to someone with an anxious attachment style who leans more toward clingy behavior when it comes to separation. The need for independence would most likely be perceived as a lack of investment in the relationship, or [a belief] this is an indicator the relationship is ending." 

Clingy partners ask for reassurance constantly and yet still feel persistent doubt. That might sound like: 

Your partner can say and do all the right things, but it won't calm your fears in a meaningful, long-term way since you don't totally believe them. You might pose the same questions again a few weeks later or when you're feeling particularly apprehensive about your S.O. and their affections. To solidify the relationship, you may accelerate I-love-yous and want to forcibly take big, tangible steps in the relationship (maybe even before the relationship is ready for it) so you can feel confident about their feelings and your future together. 

Any attempts for them to live their life outside of the relationship could be misinterpreted as abandonment or them pulling away from you. In response, you try to close the gap to gain more intimacy. While you feel panicked if they're not around you physically, your partner can feel exhausted and resentful you're using them as a crutch for your emotional welfare. 

Since you've likely emptied your life of most things besides your relationship, you might also use your extra free time to stalk their exes online or forensically go through their comments, likes, and followers. (There's also a tendency to bring past baggage into the present relationship.) 

Making such requests can make you feel deeply vulnerable because you're scared that if you bring up your needs, which feel unwieldy and big, they will back away and leave you. So you may resort to mixed signals, indirect methods, or strategic manipulation to get what you're hoping for without having to say it. 

You could drop whatever's going on in your life and your real thoughts to do anything you can to seek reassurance from them. The problem is that your sense of self locks up in a holding pattern and remains in flux as you shape your values and personality around your partner's momentary preferences. While their emotions provide valuable information, feelings are transient and aren't meant to operate as static truth since it's always shifting. 

When you're together, you want to literally "cling" and be super close through cuddles and lots of kisses. It sounds wonderful in theory and is often idealized in pop culture and movies, but in practice, it can feel suffocating to be on the receiving end. According to Andre, there's little to no regard for boundaries and physical space even if your partner expresses their discomfort.

Sagaram points out that a clingy person may also feel easily threatened by their partners' friends or acquaintances. You may be insecure around the people in their life and believe your S.O. is attracted to, like their attractive co-worker, their childhood best friend, or the new cashier at the salad bar you both frequent. No matter who it is, there's a real feeling of threat by the people they surround themselves with. 

Clinginess can take a turn toward controlling behavior if power and wanting to gain the upper hand enters the picture. You may want your partner to fulfill specific expectations, and if they don't, it can intensify thoughts that they aren't doing what you need because they don't love you enough. "The [clingy] person believes they have all rights and authority to dictate many aspects in their partner's life," Andre says.

You can also look to your partner for signs that you're behaving in a way that's being interpreted as clingy. "One way to recognize if you're being clingy is if your partner starts to withdraw emotionally and physically. This is called the pursue-and-withdraw cycle—the more attempts you make to connect with your partner, instead of the connection being reciprocated, your partner withdraws," Andre explains. 

Here are a few places to start:

For strategies to work through the anxiety, Sagaram recommends surrounding yourself with people who are securely attached. "Get comfortable asking for what you need in relationships. Believe your partner when they reassure you. It's OK to need reassurance from others, but learn to give yourself reassurance too," she says. 

It could also be helpful to include your partner into your processing so you can get their perspective and work on recreating the relationship together. "Ask them how they are understanding and experiencing your behavior. Partners are able to provide invaluable observations to a problem that you may not be able to see," Andre says.

"Healing looks like getting clear on your needs. It also looks like allowing people in and taking small risks to trust they will show up for you," Sagaram advises. "Start with low-risk situations, and build from there. It also helps to state to your partner that you are worried about the reaction if you express a need. Vulnerability goes a long way in relationships and has the potential to heal anxious attachments. The right person will want to make you feel emotionally safe in a relationship."

If a partner's reassurances are still falling flat for you, she recommends getting professional help. "This might be a sign that the attachment wound may be deeper than what a partner can soothe." Therapy can help interrogate the root of your fears, rebuild trust, and lead to healthier relationships as you learn to communicate honestly with yourself and others.

"I suggest lovingly bringing it to their attention. I stress lovingly because tone can easily turn this conversation into an accusatory one," Andre recommends. "Convey to your partner the behaviors you have been noticing, and from a place of curiosity ask if they have noticed it as well, and if so, what is the behavior connected to. Once those answers are known, both of you can address any unresolved issues that may have come up and then transition to creating healthier boundaries within the relationship."

As you move toward secure attachment and healthy regulation, you will cultivate a growth-oriented mindset that calls for your partner to embrace life and its myriad changes with you.