The 2 Ingredients Every Relationship Needs To Stay Balanced, From A Therapist

It is common knowledge that we require a diversity of nutrition to have the energy to move through our days and to live long, healthy lives. As couples' therapist Esther Perel often writes about, we need to bring intentionality to our partnership "diet" as well, as it is "the quality of our relationships [that] determines the quality of our lives."

Therefore, we need to engage in consistent care, nurturance, and attention to ensure that the health and vitality of our intimate connection are thriving and growing.

There is a paradoxical relationship between love and desire that creates tension in all of our relationships over time. It is a sign of secure attachment to move toward someone who can provide security, safety, predictability, and familiarity. However, we also require novelty, adventure, surprise, and discovery as necessary aspects of growth and aliveness.

In my work, and in my own marriage, I often witness a relationship pattern: one person is an anchor, and one person is a changemaker. Initially, these two people were attracted to each other because of these very differences, but over time these differences can become sources of conflict and frustration.

Security in a relationship is about reliable and ritualistic support. Security means I trust that I can lean on you. I know that you'll be there. Security means that you are accessible, responsive, and engaged with me.

Novelty is the food of self-expansion. When I nourish myself with something new, I move beyond the boundary of who I was, or who I thought myself to be. When we feast on novelty in our partnership, we witness one another with fresh eyes, and we experience one another moving beyond the threshold of what is known, into the unknown.

A balanced diet is a practical metaphor for an intimate partnership, and it is important that you and your partner ensure that there are equal parts of security and novelty in order to nourish your connection.

Many relationships contain one person who is a "changemaker" and one person who is an "anchor," and while these differences can sometimes feel challenging, we do need both for a healthy bond.