The Psychology Of Abandonment Issues & How They Affect Relationships

Abandonment issues can strike at any time. For some people, it began in childhood, but for others it can have a later onset. It may be triggered by grief from losing a loved one, a romantic relationship, or even a job. There are different causes and coping mechanisms for fear of abandonment, but getting to the root of trust issues requires a deeper look at attachment styles. 

In response to those thoughts, which may or may not be founded in some truth, a person coping with this fear of abandonment may become clingy, insecure, jealous, emotionally manipulative, or even controlling. Typically, this is a learned response. Perhaps they saw adults react this way when they were kids, or maybe their close friends in early adulthood responded to rejection in this way. The normalization of these kinds of unhealthy tendencies can go on for quite some time.

Medical and mental illness, loss, romantic rejection, workplace mistreatment or lack of career opportunities, and even financial stress can be other sources of abandonment issues, Narasimhan adds. In each instance, the affected person may come to feel angry or unsafe in future situations that might otherwise be healthy and stable.

Unfortunately, having an insecure attachment style, in particular, can be harmful enough to trigger the abandonment and rejection that a person most fears.

Outside of romantic relationships, a person battling abandonment issues may struggle to admit the need for a solid support system. They may have trouble receiving help or affection, or they may be too heavily reliant upon others for positive feelings of self-worth. 

Most acutely, someone with abandonment issues often deals with unshakeable feelings or thoughts that significant people in your life are going to inevitably leave, die, or reject you. Projecting the sense of anticipated betrayal onto romantic relationships and new friendships is often a sign of unresolved abandonment issues. 

Insecurity and feelings of unworthiness are common among those with abandonment issues. They may be more likely to lack confidence and seek external validation, or they may feel generally unprotected and vulnerable, even among people and situations that have been positive and uplifting. Fear of abandonment makes it hard to trust both other people and one's own judgment about people. 

The habit of obsessing over the possibility of abandonment or rejection may cause a person to plot or plan ways to prevent it, even before it has begun. "A person can become anxious if they don't hear from their partner, ruminate on meanings of statements, repeatedly call or text their partner if they don't hear from them, suspect infidelity, express irritability or an overreaction to certain changes in plans," Narasimhan explains. "Some may drive by a partner's place of residence repeatedly or show up at their partner's workplace."

Abandonment issues typically are produced by a traumatic situation that stripped a person of their power to control outcomes that they truly wanted—the inability to prevent a death, to stop a spouse from leaving, or to protect yourself or others from harm. If ignored, those underlying situations may still ignite anger many years later. People may become easily triggered in situations that remind them of that time. Violence and anger could be used to try to exert control over others now, in ways that weren't possible in the initial incident. Rage or outbursts may be directed at a loved one, one's self, or channeled into certain physical or behavioral expressions—for example, punching a wall when highly triggered by the thought of someone rejecting them.

Abandonment issues often come down to a lack of trust in others. These trust issues may manifest as unhealthy emotional bonds that limit the ability to trust or be trusted. An all-or-nothing approach to loyalty may lead to unrealistic expectations from others or a sheer detachment from others, so as to avoid future disappointment. Extreme cases may involve hermit-like behaviors.

Abandonment issues can present as commitment issues, meaning a person is unable to fully commit to a long-term or emotionally engaged relationship. Avoiding commitment may look like lots of individual hookups or repeated engagement with a person but no titles or clear expectations.

Perhaps unexpectedly, one way abandonment issues may present is through getting attached to new people too quickly. A person with attachment issues—which are often tied to abandonment issues—may truly feel emotionally dependent on the attention of others, even if they don't know that person very well. Clinginess can happen even if there are signs that this person's engagement is fleeting. Because people with abandonment issues feel that it is inevitable that people will leave them, they may rush to have deep engagements as soon as possible because they don't trust the continued evolution of the relationship. It can look like trying hard to get attached to people who you've just met or who have already displayed some signs of being emotionally unavailable.

Similar to trust issues, this may appear externally as a person who is distant or cold. It could also look like engaging only in an intimate physical relationship but not an emotional one. Communication is severely impaired or dishonest.

Counterintuitively, some people do not leave a decaying relationship for fear of being abandoned or alone. No matter how toxic or unhealthy the relationship, a person may be resigned, or committed to a "stick it out" or "ride or die" approach.

This behavior may go beyond simple denial. "They may not believe they are being rejected and try to cling to the relationship or try to convince or manipulate the person into staying in the relationship," Narasimhan explains. Note: Preventing a person from exiting a relationship that they no longer want to continue is a form of abuse. 

When fear of abandonment becomes unbearable, it can lead to mental health breaks and physical harm. If the root cause of abandonment issues are trauma, then episodes that trigger memories or that replicate those patterns can cause profound sadness and depression.

In rare circumstances, Narasimhan says a person dealing with abandonment issues may even result in violence, whether emotional, verbal, or physical, in situations where they feel that they have been abandoned or are likely to be. Manipulation, stalking, harassment, or abuse toward an animal, child, parent, spouse, co-worker, or loved one can occur when a person will go to great lengths to control another person. 

But if abandonment issues persist and communication remains elusive, Dunkers and Narasimhan say it is time to call in the professional therapists and counselors who can help individuals, couples, and families unpack the past and establish healthy habits for the future. 

It is important to remember that abandonment issues may affect one part of a person's life more than others—say, more in an amorous relationship than in platonic friendships—and that, over time, a person can oscillate between secure and insecure attachment styles. Although fears and pain often feel existential, therapists can help a person rationalize and accept past trauma in healthy ways. It is possible to learn new ways to live with those feelings without projecting them onto the people we love most.