8 Unexpected Ways A Narcissist Isolates You

My story of geographical isolation echoes those of other women who have been involved with narcissists. But what if you’re around a sophisticated narcissist who plays his game slowly and subtly, so you lose your sense of reality and identity, and they start to dictate your life? Here’s how to recognize the clever ways a narcissist isolates you.

A sophisticated narcissist doesn’t explicitly forbid you to spend time with the people who are important to you. Instead, they might charm these people, and says things like, "She’s cool; I like her." But later on, they might say something like "She's really shallow—I'm not sure she's good for you."

The problem with being with a narcissist is that it isn’t all bad. Enter intermittent reinforcement, where you get treated well enough on some days, and it confuses you into continuing with the relationship. A part of you takes the times he can be decent or kind as evidence that he’s a good person. So eventually, you willingly isolate yourself, following your narcissist's terms.

He told tales about his exes, family members, and business partners cheating or abandoning him, justifying it with, "You know my history, that’s why I get paranoid, and that’s why you can’t do this." This way, he got narcissistic supply and expected me to overlook his abuse. So for years, I kept it all a secret, hoping to give him a loving environment where he could heal from his mistrust. By doing that, I became emotionally isolated, feeling as if no one could understand what I was experiencing.

Slowly but surely, my life shrank as I gave up yoga, dresses, and perfumes. Even the things I pursued at home, under his watch, he’d put down. "You have poor taste—I know, because I went to design school." He smirked. The things that give us joy and nourish our soul shape our identity. Cut off from them, we eventually lose our sense of self, feeling unanchored, and become prime targets for more abuse.

He stared me down whenever I spoke to mutual male friends, then he accused female friends of ferrying me to see my lovers. Eventually I started seeing myself through his eyes—was I really the coquet he thought I was? And when I stopped seeing my friends, he called me a loser, offering to save me from my unhealthiness.

My ex continuously sabotaged my studies with abuse. Then he stalked me at meetings, insisting I wasn’t there, to justify that I shouldn’t work. Then he diverted emails on my website from to a mysterious mailbox—anything to make me dependent.

Common methods include messing with the way you arrange your environment, insisting you did or said something else, and telling you you’re abusive. My narcissist would corner me and force me to repeat details before laughing at me and saying, "Look at you, you’re crazy."

Think you may be dealing with a narcissist? Here are 14 signs that you may be right.