5 Ways To Speak Confidently & Get What You Want, From A Language Expert

While language habits don't actually clue you into someone's confidence, the way one speaks can make them seem more or less insecure than they truly are. For this reason, it's worth looking at your language habits and asking yourself: Do I speak confidently? 

"I feel strongly that one cannot know from outward appearance, behavior, or language whether an individual has confidence or not, or how much," explains Deborah Tannen, Georgetown University linguistics professor and author of the New York Times bestselling book You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation. 

Tannen adds that people with similar confidence levels (be they high or low) can behave and speak very differently. "An observer can't know, period," she says. 

Tannen notes that saying "I'm sorry," more than others in the room or more than expected (as in, when you don't really need to apologize) may be viewed as a sign of insecurity. 

She notes that, "There is nothing inherently wrong with saying 'sorry.' It is often just an automatic way of acknowledging others." 

So don't get down on yourself if you're a chronic over-apologizer, but try to limit the condolences when it's sure to be unnecessary. 

Before asking for something (especially in the workplace) determine whether or not it's a favor or just a request. Tannen notes that indirectly giving directions can look something like: "'Can you do me a favor and…' when it's an order, not a favor."

On the flip side, asking for a favor outright can show the other person that you acknowledge their time and appreciate their willingness to help—so don't cut it from your language completely. Just save this phrase for the times you truly do need a favor from someone. 

Another common habit: raising your voice at the tail end of a sentence. Tannen says this is sometimes called uptalk as well, and can make a statement sound like a question. 

As with the other habits we've covered, this is generally something people lean on to make sure what they are saying is OK with the other person. For example, you might raise your tone when saying, "I'll get to this by the end of the day?" as if you're asking a question. 

Rather than doing that, either keep your tone level and commit to the statement, or ask a question if that's your true intention. 

Another way to sound confident in your requests? Set a (realistic) time frame. This one will be the most applicable in the workplace, but it could be relevant in other conversations as well. 

Plus, adding a timestamp can be a service to the other person, helping them determine whether or not they have the time or ability to say yes to your request.

Be sure not to reach for a time frame that puts someone in a worse position—again, that will not come off as confident, just demanding.

Changing the way you speak isn't going to happen overnight, nor does it have to. Again, confidence is not displayed only through language, and false assumptions put upon you are not your job to fix. 

If you do want to sound more confident and fine-tune your language skills, all you can do is practice. 

Take the examples and tips from above and write down a few examples relevant to your life. Experiment with different areas (work, friendships, romantic relationships, etc.) and draft some elevated versions of your common phrases or wording.